Ok to have feelings - Feel the feels

People wonder why I'm so standoffish about some things or opening up.  Well this morning was a prime example of why I just don't discuss personal stuff because people's comments piss me off.

I was feeling kind of feeling bad for well feeling sort of annoyed with the diva. I had a frustrated moment last week and I admitted what I was going through.  She was sympathetic and kind. 

I felt kind of annoyed with comments they made on Tuesday that seemed a little bossy and uncalled for but I ignored it.  I felt really pissed off when I saw that they avoided something difficult and guess who handled it?  Me.  The excuse I saw was familiar and I wasn't happy.

So I wasn't real happy to hear from the diva.  They wanted to know if I was feeling better.  I said NO.  They know my living situation and health scare.  I got lectured about worrying about things I can't change and advice I didn't ask for.  I politely told this person this is a stressful situation and I am going to worry.  Those are my feelings and I would like them to change but it's not magic.  Not knowing where to live is a stressful thing so buzz off on telling me what I should feel.  Am I supposed to be skipping down the street with a lollipop?  Get out of here. 

So ok, here's the type of comments I would have gotten during medical treatment.  If I said I'm so tired.  I'm so stressed out, I would have gotten You know you're lucky to be alive?  Most people aren't as blessed as you.  Be thankful you didn't have chemo.

Most of the time I felt ok when I went through treatment. I kept busy with work and trying not to think about it.  Some days, I felt scared.  Lonely.  I would sit in my car and cry before treatment. I felt broken and sad.  Then maybe the next day, I would wake up and feel better.  I go through this when I get called back for a test or find some new hiccup or get a bill.  Feelings are normal.  I hate that when people tell you how you should feel.  It's dismissive and rude.  

Venting is ok.  If I bitched every day that I didn't feel ok, someone would have the right to say Get over yourself.  I feel that way with the diva to be honest.  Ironic they're telling me how to feel isn't it?

I went to look at a place in Cudahy on my own.  My mom wasn't feeling up for it and I had my doubts.  Well it looked like we would be living in a store.  I didn't even go in.  There was a bar on the corner and I thought this would be a bad idea.  I thought this is insane.  I drove past the 8 family place that was nearby and that actually looked promising.  I felt a little sad that it's come to this, but you know what?  It's ok that I felt sad!  I felt bad that our landlord has pushed out but I would also like to be away from him.  I would like life to be free of some toxic people and he's one of them.

Lucky me.  I'll always have the diva.  Pain in my ass.  Good grief.  

Feel the way you want to feel.  It's ok.  I said so! 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Way Past My Bedtime

 I crashed before Reverend Raphael Warnock's speech.  The power of DVR saved me. I watched it this morning right up to the point where I had to sign in.  It was fantastic.   Hillary was great.  My mom was crying.  It meant a lot to her to have Hillary win that election and she was crushed. I was crushed.  She always fan girls over Hillary.  It was hard for me to decide in 2008 do I go with Barack or Hillary?  She gave a phenomenal speech. I had to watch Joe this morning.  No, I didn't cry like I usually did.  I got a little teary eyed when his daughter finished her speech and introduced him.  That nice man made sure his little boys had a dad that came home every night after they lost their mom and baby sister.  He took his oath of office by their bedsides.  He got a second chance with Jill and having a daughter.  He's such a good human.  Yeah, he looks 81.  He lit that stage on fire with a torch....
Read more

The Dark Things

I sometimes wonder about this when I'm in a brooding mood about how I got treated at a low time in my life.  Or lowest. Would people have been relieved if I just died?   Really.  I have thought the answer was yes.  I'm not talking about my family. I am talking about those who made their discomfort known to me.   They could have had some fake ceremony and a moment of silence.  There wouldn't have been a funeral so they could have forgotten about that part.  They would have excelled at pretending to care about my life if I wasn't here. Then, I had to go do something stupid and survive.  How do we deal with that?  My mentor even mentioned to me, well, you know, none of us have dealt with someone being sick.  Oh, should I get a fucking manual for that?  Excuse the F bomb but that was warranted. When I got my schedule for radiation therapy, I had wanted to talk to my manager about it and find out if it was ok.  I had gotte...
Read more

So Here's the Weekend

 I was having a wishful thinking moment last night when I was writing my postcards.  I was wishing for my imaginary friend that has shades of Stephen Colbert mixed in to show up and go for a walk on this humid July night.  We would talk and maybe check out the food trucks that were at the Farmer's Market last night.  Maybe they would be ok.  Maybe they wouldn't.  We would be getting out of the house and just talking about how our week went for both of us. Maybe we would stop at Pick n' Save and get my mom something she asked for.  He would always know how to talk to my mom and he would be someone she's really comfortable around like Charlie.  We would maybe see Charlie mowing the lawn on his usual Friday night task and talk to him. He might have plans with his kids in the morning so we say our good night with a hug or maybe even something else.  No, I'm not going salacious here.  Get your mind out of the gutter.  Maybe we'd see each...
Read more