To Be Loved

All is quiet here this afternoon.  We went grocery shopping and now the two senior citizens are sleeping.  Mom and Precious.  The sun has come out and it looks like it's just a more promising day.  

I have a little bit of the Sunday scaries but not for the usual reason.  Hell, I get it before going to the dentist.  A simple cleaning may find I need a crown and what does a crown cost?  Money.  

People have lists of what they want to do after they go through a health issue like they want to travel Europe or take more chances, like jumping out of an airplane.  Me?  I had one simple wish.  I wanted to have someone who loved me.  I wanted to feel love.

I forced love in my last relationship because I thought a clock was ticking and this was my last chance.  I won't say cancer was the best thing that ever happened to me but it sure gave me a slap in the face to not accept being second or third best.  I kept accepting and it wasn't good.

At my age, this is something that's hard to find.  It would be wonderful to have that moment of serendipity to have an encounter with someone that seems familiar.  Someone that wants to have that conversation and just kind of want to keep talking to that person and finding out more.  

I think a lot of people have written me off as this sad single person who got sick and lives at home with her mom.  I would like to have that story blossom into something that has a better chapter.

It was hurtful when the manager that I worked for at the time told me she worried that she would end up like me when it came to health.  She treated me like a pariah at times.  Avoiding me.  She blabbed my medical to someone else as well.  It was like I was a loser who was never going to get anything good in my life.  Alone and a catching illness.  That's how they viewed me.

It was a lonely experience dealing with what I did.  I would have liked a text.  A kind word.  Are those really like high expectation things?  I don't think it is and you know, I would just be so grateful if someone acknowledged my existence with an email.  

I think of Corinne's life and how it turned out so wonderfully.  I can relate to her a lot and I'm so happy that she has that love.  She deserved that love and she definitely earned it.  They like each other and they're such a nice couple.

I wish I could wake up some mornings and find a text from that person who finds me interesting who say to me, Have a nice day.  Or I got to do stupid stuff today.  Or when I'm sitting there, annoyed by some group drama and get sent a cat or dog meme.  

I would just like that person who loves me in my life.  Love is all you need and I'm good with that.  

If not, I'll be a really smart person with all the books I've been reading.  That was my other thing after getting through cancer treatment. I had been berated and made to feel stupid for so many years and I struggled in school so I wanted to read as many books about history and politics.  It wouldn't be for anyone except me.

Love and a good book.  I'm not that complicated.