Role Model for the Insane

This should be titled all of the stupid stuff people said when I went through cancer treatment.  I had to suppress a lot because well, I don't have bail money.

My whole thing was I want to go about my day, do my job and then go for treatment.  I wanted to feel normal.  I wanted to forget and I thought just burying myself in work would help.  Too bad nobody got the memo on acting normal around me.

Exhibit A - Lois.  Oh, we're going to go there.  Lois will huff and puff and snap you like a twig.  There's a cowardly side to her as well.   

I took shorter lunches and maybe tried to get myself into work a few minutes earlier each day to hit the ground running with my shorter schedule.  I had gotten a message one day from Lois about something I was working on and then she said at one point, "You know, if you want to talk about what you're going through, you can talk.  You don't have to keep everything to yourself."

I knew her.  She wouldn't listen.  I don't talk to someone who doesn't listen and didn't really mean it. I thanked her and told her the best thing for me is to stay busy.

She admitted that she went for her first mammogram in a few years.  I was her inspiration and role model.

Is it wrong that I wanted to say that's bullshit?  I don't know why that irritated me.  I just said I'm glad you did it and you're ok.  Just so you know, I'm diligent about my appointments.  

There was an implication that I did something wrong when it came to people like Lois.  I didn't. 

Lois offered to cook me dinner and take me home after treatment since she lived nearby.  I thanked her and said I'm good. I don't feel like talking after treatment. I just want to go home.  I wouldn't have minded talking to someone.  She was not my choice at the time.

Before I found out the news, I had to take off an afternoon for the ultrasound and second mammogram.  When I told her I had to leave at noon, I got a snotty comment about I have to send you some requests to get done.  Are you going to get mad about it or stressed out?

I never got mad about the stuff she did.  She really had a warped view when it came to how I reacted.  She was known to put out seven settlement requests around 2 in the afternoon when the mail went out at 3.  It takes a moment to issue drafts, get letters and envelopes together at the time.  She was notorious for doing things like that.

When she initially started, she would call and ask me questions.  There was a moment when she kept calling and then messaging me that it just stressed me out.  She wanted something done now and I wanted to go to lunch because it was getting late.  When I called, she said I'm busy, I'll call you back in 15 minutes and so I waited.  She called and laughed. She told me that she had Lorna in her office.  I went to my car and cried.  She made me feel like a fool and it probably showed on my face at times. 

I had grumbled to someone that I blocked her on my phone because of her harassing messages during her vacation.  The group got talked about calling assistants on their cell phones.  I was supposed to go to lunch with Lois and my mentor, Lois took me aside and snapped, If you had a problem with me calling, you should have told me.  I said that's why I blocked you and I did tell you.  At that time, I was waiting to set up my biopsy.  No, she didn't know.  See why I should open up to her warm and loving ways?

I spent that lunch sitting there, listening to Lois and the mentor talk about how they spend money foolishly on their kids.  Lois actually did and probably still does give her kids great experiences.  She never shuts about it.  That's where she loses me.  She shared a story of creating a kids version of the Amazing Race which sounded nice.  The mentor started arguing about what a waste it was and how he spent $400 at a French restaurant taking his adult children out for a birthday.  Here I sat.  Wondering what was going to happen to me while this stupid conversation was going on.

I thought maybe when I got my diagnosis that Lois would maybe lighten up with the rude comments.  She gave me a hug and when she sat back down, she asked, What am I supposed to tell people?  It was a rather indignant manner and I said I would prefer to keep it private for now.  I'm trying to process what's happening and she argued with me.  I'm feeling kind of vulnerable.  People are rude and that included her.  I said my aunt died as well.  I said I just want to go on my leave.

You know I'm not the first person who ever went on a medical leave but it became an obsession for those who didn't like me to find out what was happening.  And yet, when Lois husband had surgery on his arm, it was a secret between her and Lorna.  It's ok for thee, but not for me. 

When I came back, Lois couldn't have been happier to see me.  She had me sit down and she didn't ask me how I was.  She told me how hard she had it and was upset that nobody told her.  All about her.  She kept telling me, make sure she's a priority.  

I wasn't in a rush to get her work down.  It irritated me and I wasn't going to make her a priority anymore.  It changed, but for the first few weeks I made her mad because I didn't drop everything at once.  

Everyday, I had to send an email to her and the mentor that I was leaving for the day.  You know, it was really stupid that I had to do it.  It was the same time everyday.  I felt like I had to coddle them for the inconvenience that I caused.

It was my last week of treatment that made it so bad.  When I picked up my stuff at 2:15, my phone would ring and I would see her number. I had just sent the email so why was she calling?  She knew my commute.  She knew what I was doing.  It was still about her and it just stressed me out that last week.  I picked up the phone mid week and it was just something that could have waited until the next day.  

It was the last day that she lost it on me.  I confused the address I should be sending a check and she sent me a message about it.  When I took a look, I realized I had made a mistake and I told her the address I had it mailed for and apologized.  It hadn't been picked up yet and it was maybe 2:00.  She started with the messages about how she gave me a direction and I didn't listen.  When she gives a direction, I better listen.  I kept apologizing and that was it.  I was done.  The sea of tears started. 

I made the correction and told her I did.  The damage was done.

I never asked for any favors of anyone other than a little patience.  She couldn't be nice.  She couldn't behave.  She berated and bullied me that last day.  

The people at the hospital probably thought I was emotional ringing the bell because I was finishing treatment.  I was still sobbing because all I wanted from people was grace.  Kindness.  

I got nothing.  I got humiliated and treated with cruelty. 

The following Monday, I got a message from Lois and asked me if I was working my normal hours and I said yes.  I never got a Way to go on finishing treatment. I knew I wasn't going to get an apology.  I didn't get a response after I responded.  

For three weeks, Lois didn't talk to me.  She avoided me or messaged me.  We had a luncheon where she sat across from me and didn't look at me. I felt like a pariah and I didn't do anything wrong.  I wanted to work with someone else. 

Lois was gone for a week around Labor Day and she seemed to start talking to me again.  I had a week off at the end of September and when I came back, Lois had sent me a message and complimented me on how I handle things and how patient I am.  She said my co-workers don't have the same patience that I do.

Things got better after that but we still had moments where she berated me or made me feel like a problem because I had to go for medical appointments.  

I kind of get why she said I was a role model.  I'm not a role model.  I think she knew that she was a privileged person who was spoiled and impatient.  I probably made me uncomfortable because I didn't have the things she obviously takes for granted because well, she's not a nice person.  She's got a nice family.  Nice home.  She's got a lot than most people.

That was the type of people that I deal with.  It was all about them instead of about maybe showing a little patience for someone who was down.  She chose to keep kicking instead of taking a moment and showing a little kindness.

Today, someone made me cry with their email.  It wasn't that bad.  I don't know why I keep having a block on doing this particular task but I know I feel more vulnerable because I'm worried.  Actually they would feel bad if they made me cry.

It's a lot easier not to deal with the Lois of the world in this situation.  If I showed up at her house for dinner, she would let everyone know that she gave me dinner like I'm a lost puppy.  She gave me a Rice Krispies bar from a lunch she went to and when I balked at doing something last minute, she made sure to tell everyone that she gave me the Rice Krispies bar.  I can get diabetes all by myself, thank you very much.