How to Drive Yourself Crazy

I am finding out the ways I can drive myself crazy until April 8th.  Sigh.  I wish I could have gotten an appointment next week but I get it.  The waiting game is torture.  I go through moments where I feel like it'll be ok and you know, I'll tackle the bills one step at a time.  Then the next minute, I am just damn scared and I don't know how to help myself with it.

At least I have a little time off next week.  Granted, there's doctor appointments, one for mom and one for me.  I hope my mom's eye doctor appointment goes well.  I'm happy to get her stocked up on eye vitamins. I don't care what people say about the vitamins.  If it keeps it from getting worse, I'll keep her stocked up.

I'll probably burst out into tears for both appointments I have in the next couple of weeks and feel like a failure.  I told Corinne I'm a shoo in for the anxiety meds.  What a time for me to misplace a damn prescription bottle. I figured I'd be fine until my appointment.  Well I got quite the shock to the system, didn't I?  Geez.  

I managed to be productive this week and not dwell too much.  Wednesday morning was the hardest but by the time I got to the afternoon, I was ok.  I had a moment on Thursday but yesterday was ok. It was when I finished up for the week that I started with the worry and fear.

Another truth bomb that I'll share came from the mentor. I thought this was my ally.  My one person who could be supportive.  I thought of him as a father figure and the first thing out of his mouth when I came back to work was, "You got to work with me.  People are asking me questions about where you are."

What in the fresh hell did that mean?  He didn't have to tell anyone anything.  Has anyone ever heard of the words personal business?  The people that asked him about me didn't really interact with me. I knew one of them was just a nosy bitch.  

When he saw that Lois had made me cry, he acted almost disgusted with me and told me to leave.  I was being hysterical.  

He would dump work on me 30 minutes before I left.  He wasn't exactly very helpful himself.  When I showed him an email I was going to send to Lois about my schedule, he said, You know, people are really uncomfortable about cancer.  You shouldn't talk about it.  It never had the word "cancer" in my email.  What in the fresh hell did his comments mean? 

I guess we had a lunch that we had to do before a certain date as a group and I asked if we could do it when I finished up treatment which was maybe a week after the due date.  The mentor told me that people don't really care that I'm going through treatment.  They want this lunch done.

So it was weird.  Should I say what's going on or do I shut up?  

I had someone bully me that the mentor stuck up for and he would say oh, he's a tired family man.  When I stopped talking to this person, he wanted me to go apologize to this person before they left the company. I didn't. I went home.  I even asked, would you like him talking to your wife and daughter the way he's talked to me? 

I found out this bully was out of work for awhile and I had jokingly said to the mentor, what happened?  Did people get tired of his winning personality?  The mentor actually got quite angry with me and said, "He's doing just fine."  I said, "I. Don't. Care.  I was joking."  

So it was a mystery to me when I found out the mentor was asking Frick at a group luncheon how I was doing and if I was doing ok.  Kind of asked about my health and after I found out, I wasn't happy about it.  I fired off an email to let him know about everything and said do not contact me ever again.  

There was someone that we dealt with at another office who was a bit scatter brained and annoying. I always talked to him with kindness even though I laughed about his silliness with the mentor.  During my treatment, the mentor came up to me and told me the man's daughter had ovarian cancer. I told him that I was sorry to hear that.  That's terrible.  Then the mentor lectured me that I should talk really nicer to this person when he called.

I did.  Too bad I didn't get that same courtesy.

I have to remind myself that at least I don't have to deal with these dumb assholes this time around.

Apologies for the curses, but when you get another health scare, it's carte blanche on bad words.  

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