Feeling Like I'm going to die

This is one of the many stages I am going through in the waiting game.  I couldn't make it to the 10 year mark. Sigh.  I am struggling tonight with emotions.  

My mom keeps bringing up the landlord and his big woe is me problems.  Yeah. I know.  I don't want to hear about him.  I'm upset she had to go through this 10 years ago.  I'm upset that she had to get scared by it 6 years ago.  She shouldn't have to go through it again.  I'm trying not to be too upset because I don't want her to cry.

I read that lonely people have a shorter lifespan and I wondered the first time if this was maybe a sign I wasn't meant to have a long life.  I am feeling that way right now.

I need a hug.  I need to hear it's going to be ok.  This is what I deal with. These are normal feelings.  I have been made to feel like a crazy person.  I wouldn't ask anyone to walk in my shoes but if they dealt with what I did, they would realize its normal to feel this way.

When I wake up in the morning, I might not feel so bad. I might have a better day.  Tonight, I feel sad and I'm not apologizing for it.  I handled this by myself financially.  About $13 grand over a course of 10 years 

I'm fucking scared right now.  Maybe it'll end after the next test and it'll be just nothing.  

I didn't think it would be expensive to keep me alive.  

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