Life's Lessons

It's been insightful listening to Viola Davis' autobiography.  I can relate all too well with the feelings of not being good enough. I am enough.  I know that.  When you spend your days alone for the most part, you think long and hard about life and what has happened.

I'd never say cancer was a blessing but it was a lesson and what did I learn?  People are cowards.  I didn't need an illness for people to want to be there for me.  People should have been there for me when something good happened as well as the bad.  I learned I didn't get the support I deserved and it was sad, but it was a lesson.  

I accepted a lot.  I waited on people a lot and I chased a lot in order for people to respond to me.  Or like me.  Or even think they loved me.  That wasn't ok that I felt the need to do that.  If someone wants to be around me?  They'll show up.  Corinne is the best example.  I didn't expect anything when we started talking and what do you know?  She kept showing up.  She's a true friend.  In a world of people who'll say Oh, yeah, I'm here for you kind of shallow Sallies, we need more Corinne's.  She'll send you a meme that will make you laugh.  She'll send you a card to make you smile.  She'll report your neighbor because well, he's a pig.

I don't want people who bail on me at my lowest or give me lip service.  Actions always speak louder than words.  

When I met Harold in the early 2000s, I thought I was walking into a movie and the whole thing took my breath away when I first laid eyes on him at the airport.  It turned out to be a horror movie.  I don't recommend it.  I got it minus 5 stars.  Mostly because the male lead in the movie sucks.

Anyway, I realized that I don't want that movie love that had happened all those years ago.  It wasn't real and it crashed.  I was the casualty.

I like the idea of a slow build up.  I like the idea of sitting with someone and just having a good conversation.  I like the idea of meeting up with someone after a bad day and finding my smile as soon as I see them because they just make your day better.  There's just something so kind and comforting about this person that you can just be ok with them.  I like the idea of just looking at someone from across me and just smiling because I really like them.  I really like the person that they are.  I like how they treat others.  This person might be someone with kids who makes the time for them and is that protector that they should be.  This is the person that just acknowledges you and they make time for you as well as everyone in their life.  They're not someone who speaks in flowery poetry and makes grandiose gestures.  They just show up.    And I wake up one day and I realize, I just don't like this person, I love this person.  This is just a good human being.  

It was something I wish I realized twenty years earlier.  I know it now.