Crash Burn and Restart

It was too much last night and I crashed emotionally.  I know maybe I am thinking the worst, but expecting the best hasn't always worked out so well for someone like me.  It was just at one point my mom said something to the effect that nothing good ever happens for us and I went in the other room and cried.  It wasn't even the tears trickle cry.  Just heaving sobs that I couldn't hide.  She felt bad when she realized the statement she made might have had this effect on me.  It was just building and the dam burst. 

The monster has been given chance after chance and I'm afraid he might be trying to redeem himself.  It never lasts but for my landlord, he keeps giving him chances.  He never responded to my message where I inquired about his move date so we could stay out of his way.  It wasn't a demand.  It was a "we just want to keep the peace" and make this awkward situation less awkward.  When I texted him about Friday night, he apologized and thanked me for sending the video. He said that the monster had sent him video about a leak earlier.  So why was he tying up the hoses that were for our washer?  I didn't ask that but his response didn't make sense.  It just made me feel like something wasn't right.  

He knew the monster's family and wanted to give him a break.  Well I don't think he realized how bad the monster would be.  We didn't either.  He has threatened to kick him out so many times.  He's had so many fines from the city and the monster has repeatedly paid his rent late.  He has harassed us and the backyard looks like a barnyard.  The monster keeps getting to do what he does.  I forgot about the three days we were stuck with an infestation of flies because he and his girlfriend left a garbage can outside the door because they were cleaning and wouldn't take it back down by the garage.  I had to take it after the landlord told him to do it.  The landlord even said he'd get an exterminator in if it got worse.  

No more countdown.  The countdown maybe for us as to looking for another place.  My mom looked at places and kept asking me and I would look and say it was fine and go back to what I was doing.  If it was a place away from him?  It's perfect. I don't care if it comes to us moving.  

Friday was a bad day with work.  There has been an evasiveness with the lurker and I don't need to know why. I need to know if I have to step in and work in that area.  That's the part that's getting on my nerves.  Yet, I think the lurker gets a pass and I'm frustrated.  This lurker has humiliated me so many times and yet, it just gets ignored.  I'm frustrated with the apathy.  Our new person is expected to spend some time with the lurker who keeps pushing her back to me.  After Friday, I will spend more time with the new person and help them as much as I can because they want to help.  They want to be part of the team and work with people, not against them.  I'll do whatever I have to do because I'll be damned if this person gets driven out by the lurker.  So yeah, I'm frustrated and angry about this situation.

I am a little frustrated that I can't walk.  I have been trying to get exercise other ways but it's been maddening that my weight doesn't move off of me faster and I know age is a factor. I know the pill I take can be a factor.  I'm tired of factors.  Because I've been stressed all I think about is food and it's just an exasperating time of year for weight loss, I guess.  I am just tired of carrying the extra weight.

On the positive side, I made an appointment for my yearly check in with my doctor. I thought April 1st was a hilarious date for that.  I also took the news alerts off of my phone. I saw a video of AOC talking about taking them off of your phone. I thought not a bad idea.  I still get them from Substack but it's not the same.  I think it'll help me mentally.  I look at enough videos scrolling through Instagram or I do get notifications if a congress person I follow is doing a live that I can jump on and see.

It's hard to see that Trump won.  I thought he'd go away after the 2020 election.  Wrapping my head around it has been hard some days.  I may tune in for 5 minutes and I just can't.  Elon Musk?  I can't look at that creep. It's too much.

I have never understood someone's jealousy of me.  Is it become I'm not a mean person?  I think what have I done when someone treats me badly? Anything I've ever gotten is through hard work or twice the work.  I just don't get it.  I am tired of people making life harder for me.

I asked Alexa to wake me up to George Michael. It helped me this morning feel better.  Music can be healing.  I am still feeling down but I got to keep moving.

Keep moving.  It's all I can do.  I crashed and burned last night.  This morning, it's a restart and keep moving.

I hope the good humans have a good day.