The Things I Thought About

I got commented a lot from people who knew about my cancer diagnosis, "I don't know how you dealt with it.  I just couldn't take it." 

Those statements were usually stated with a dramatic flair.  Those statements usually came from a person who was used to demanding things from others.  If they were in my shoes, people would have been baking them casseroles and doing go fund me fund raisers so they can take a trip to Cancun.  We all know the story of the divas I dealt with.  Can you bake a casserole?  I'm not sure how that works.  It's ok.  I was never a fan of casserole.

I treated it like a second job.  I left work about 2 1/2 hours early.  Initially my schedule was a little off.  I added some extra time to take because I would sit in the parking garage for maybe 20 minutes and play games on my phone, read emails or take a moment to take a break from my reality.   Then I took that walk and took the elevator down to where I would change and then sit in the waiting room with the others.

Every damn day, Dr. Phil was on.  I can't stand that guy.  He's an asshole and I dislike him more for videotaping people getting arrested for being in this country illegally.  He's a cancer and he actually had people on one episode where people faked cancer.  I was too afraid to change the channel or ask that it be changed.  It was a relief not to see that guy.

Sometimes I would get in right away and I didn't have time to think.  Some days I would think.  My mind would drift to when I would leave my appointment and get a text message from someone asking me how I was doing.  Maybe send a cat meme or a dog meme that would make me laugh.  I would maybe go to this friend's place and talk.  Have something to eat.  Go home.  Sometimes we would go for a walk after my appointment if I felt ok or sometimes we'd find somewhere to sit.  I wouldn't have to say anything some days because that person just knows how to talk non stop and it's kind of a relief on days where I don't have the energy.  This person would have made the time fly by because they're that kind of person.

None of that happened.  I just went home, ate dinner with my mom, watched TV and went to bed early.  Sometimes I would walk out and the tears just wouldn't stop.  Some days I would maybe walk over to Whole Foods and get something to take home because when you get radiation, it's ok to buy a snack from Whole Foods.  Mostly, I just learned how shallow people are.  How they can't stand to be around someone who is having a hard time.  I learned a new level of disappointment.  I now know what it's like when people look at you like they think you're going to die.  Kind of sucks. 

Am I that greedy that I would have wished for someone to send me a cat meme?  I like dogs.  It would have cheered me up to have a dog meme.

People sucked.

You know, it's a lesson and there are good people.  It takes time.  It's weird how something bad that happens makes you see the good that you missed before.

Nobody should feel bad for how I was treated.  Maybe want to kick people in the ass for how they treated me, sure. 

It's just so simple when it comes to me and it's amazing how people take the stupid selfish route.



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