Breathing Seems like a Chore these days





Since the election, I have actually felt myself having trouble breathing properly.  It's anxiety but when I see the news alerts about Mehmet Oz being in charge of Medicare and Medicaid, taking a breath seems like a challenge.  

I'm trying to adjust to my new normal that's coming in 2 months and today doesn't seem to sit well with me today. I feel pissed off and tired.  I didn't expect magical wishes if Kamala won, but now I'm figuring out how to survive in what could be an even harder time not just for me but for all.  

I'm angry that damn girl stole our rent check out of the mailbox.  She also stole a birthday card and a gift card for my sister. I don't have money to go buy Christmas presents for anyone in my family because of my credit counseling.  I can get something for my mom and Charlotte of course and I know they understand because I didn't get anything for my birthday.  It's ok.  Nobody expects a pony at my age.  I am angry that my damn gift card got stolen and the card I picked out.  I take my time looking at cards for people when I buy them.  I don't grab anything.  I'm better at picking out cards than some people, say my mom so she usually has me do it.  I picked out a card that had cats on it and it reminded me of a movie that we watched as kids, The Aristocats.  I got a Dollar Tree gift card because I know she does crafts with my grand niece and this bitch stole it.  

I don't have the money to do this.  I've spent the last 2 weeks cleaning up this bitch's bullshit by closing out accounts, opening up accounts, talking to a police office and filing a police report.  I just paid my mom's life insurance tonight to give her a clean slate.  She'll get paper bills which may sound like a bad idea but once December rolls around, maybe I can get her set up online.  Maybe I can take care of it if my situation with credit counseling gets straightened out.

After the election, I did what I'm good at and dumped my remaining post cards out.  I thought what's the point?  All that time and all that energy.  It made me feel good and I don't feel good now.  I feel like what I loved to do is gone and I'm so sad.  I had this bin that has all of my stickers supporting Democratic candidates like Barack Obama and Joe on them.  No, I won't throw it.  I'm so sad.  I'm so so sad because I don't ask for anything and I feel like I won't be able to ever do it again.  It was where I kept my supplies my markers. I even had state stickers for my letters.  Yeah.  I was that big of a dork about letter writing.  I'm just so heartbroken right now.  

At work, we got a survey to fill out for our end of the year celebration, like what is your favorite movie quote or family traditions.  I struggled with some, especially the one that asked me what is something you would like to do and haven't done yet? 

I answered see Europe and well that doesn't sound like a good idea.

What did I want to put is find my person.



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