The History of My Birthday

Hasn't been the greatest when it comes to my birthday.  I kind of wish I could take it off of Facebook so nobody knows when it is.  

It isn't age.  I'm going to be 56, big whoop.  Age is a number.  I never expected a pony or unicorn as a kid.  Maybe one of those freeze snow cone machines but I think I had expectations that just didn't happen.

First up, my dad, the king of cruelty was good about insulting us kids by telling us he didn't have any money because he took his step-kids and our half sister to a dude ranch so my sister had to share my birthday money.  I think it was $10.  

My dad died a few days before my birthday.  You really don't feel like whooping it up when something like that happens.

And well, did boyfriends remember?  No.  Not at all.  No shocker there.

Someone I used to work with at the office will send me a message which is very thoughtful that she remembers but she'll ask me if I'm doing anything fun.  Over the years, I've been asked that and I've said no.  I've gotten the sad face.  Excuse me, for dropping the F word, but what the fuck am I supposed to say?  Hey, Karen, I'm doing sky diving next week with my boyfriend from Austria.  No, I'll be eating chicken and watching MSNBC before I lose Sling.  I don't do anything exciting.  There's nothing magical about the day.  It's my birthday.   Just another day.  If I don't need to have a surgery or if someone isn't sick, then it's probably a good day.  

It's a day where people might say nice things on Facebook.  I get a text message or a video from Charlotte.  I just don't feel right this year.  I don't know why.  I feel invisible 364 days of the year and it's nice to be seen, I'm just not excited for it.  

I was kind of out of it when I took my mom to the store.  She wants to make cupcakes for me.  Well I don't need any, but I wasn't paying attention when she said, you know I have trouble seeing signs.  Her vision.  Yeah, I forgot and didn't realize it.  

I haven't really missed my dad this week. I think I felt kind of mad between him and other dad, the cheapskate.  Both assholes in my opinion, step dad was better than the other guy, but still.  I think why couldn't he have been a decent dad?  Why couldn't he have like actually made sure that my mom was taken care of?  I think you bad human, you left this on us because you were a boozer.  I felt like an ass because my energy is low and of course I helped her find the aisle.  I do all the checking out because she can't quite see the numbers and maybe needs a little help if she needs to enter her pin number.

I feel like the weight of the world is weighing on me this week.  I start a plan tomorrow because I didn't handle my finances properly and I should feel proud of myself, but I just don't.  I don't feel ashamed.  I think I just feel resigned.

I think I need a sign from the universe.

Would I like to have a birthday that's different?  Yeah, I would.  I'd like to be able to go somewhere.  It doesn't have to be fancy.  It's somewhere I can maybe wear something nicer than my hoodie and sweats.  I can maybe wear some mascara because I do have really nice eyes.  My nice jeans fit me because I've lost weight.  It could be seeing a movie with a friend.  It could be going out to eat with a friend that looks aesthetically pleasing to my eyes.  It just could be a nice place to talk and relax.  Enjoy the evening and maybe feel a little bit special for the evening.

Wishful thinking, I know.  

It would be nice to have the weight lighted off of me for a few hours.  Not entirely.  I'd take 2 hours.  

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