More Madness More Mania

 I am still upset about what happened in the alley last night with the tow truck barreling towards me.  It was like something out of a bad movie with a truck trying to run the car off the road.  I could see on the camera that the tow truck barely missed me.  

I don't want to drive. I will.  I am afraid to drive between the semi and what that person did to me last night.  That was horrible.  I got to pay 25% more each month for my insurance because someone hit my car.  I now have raised my anxiety about 25% and I am more tearful.  That's not fair.  I'm not ok with this.

Speaking of anxiety, I felt my heart racing and the sweat pouring when I went for my walk. It was anxiety and I take something for anxiety and for anyone who judges me?  Two words.  F U.  I didn't want to take anything. I fight hard not to reach and take something to help me. I will take these calm gummies, try to breathe.  I will try anything to calm down but sometimes I can't do it.  As it is, I really wasn't doing too bad until this last month.  I had to make a phone call. I might get a refill.  I might need to talk to my old friend, the doctor. When I called and talked to someone, she said well they may want to see you and I said it's ok.  I can tell him about the time about the semi hit me.  That might help my case.  

I don't want to take anything.  I want to feel ok.  I hate that I'm racked with anxiety.  I hate that I have to take something to deal with what I do, but that's how my brain is wired.  That's how I am.

And I am just drowning in my assignment and I feel like I'm failing.  Maybe I can take on 10 more things.  I can hardly wait to find out in my next meeting how I'm failing.

Tomorrow I will leave early and take my time for my appointment.  Maybe I can take a deep breath in the CVS near my appointment.

I wish I wasn't me today. I wish I was someone who was cool calm and collected instead of anxious and more anxious.  It's not fun.

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