Moments in My Invisible Life

 It doesn't shock me when someone ignores a message I sent or an invite.  I kind of find it rude as you know what - letter that starts after E, but I accept it.  I know sometimes people are busy, but sometimes people are just rude.  Shocking to have it happen?  Eh, not so much these days.  It's been a normal way of life for me.

Before the pandemic hit, I was suppose to do a job shadow with an attorney.  He was relatively new and he seemed like such a fun person to talk to.  I usually wound up sitting next to him at lunches and I found out he was a neighbor of Lois and he laughed about her husband helping him with some home repairs because he felt so inept.  All of the women liked Dan.  We thought he was just an easygoing personality.  As part of my goals, I had asked to job shadow an attorney on a deposition and Dan offered.  He sent me emails of possible depositions I could shadow him on and we found one that would work. He also sent me the case file and what was going on and he asked for my opinion.  That was exciting.  I had done this before but nobody ever asked me for my opinion.

Maybe that was the problem.  I recognized a doctor that was on the file and it was someone that treated my mom.  I was familiar with the neighborhood and I offered a few ideas about what could have possibly happened.

He never said a word to me.  I saw him leave work one day when I was in the parking lot and he looked pained to say hello.  I didn't think anything of it at the time, but when it came to the Friday before the deposition, he had left for the day when I went to find him.  I asked someone about it and I was told to show up on Monday.  I can find another project.

I thought, did I do something wrong?  Did he maybe just forget?  I felt so stupid. I thought did he think that I would ruin the deposition for him?  I always sat like a quiet observer.  I felt like I overstepped my bounds.  I thought maybe he just forgot.   Someone that worked with me asked about it and I just said he must have forgot.  I was embarrassed.  She had been in touch with him and he told her, he could go all day with this deposition.  Maybe he thought it would have been too much time for me to stay away from my work. I don't know.

He never said a word to me when he was back.  I would see him deliberately taking another way when he would see me coming down the hallway.  If he didn't want me to come along, come out and say it.  What a cowardly thing to do.  Shortly before we all got sent home, I saw him come out of the kitchen, I said good morning, hope you're doing well.  He had a blank look on his face.  He muttered something and went back to his office.  He left a couple of years ago and I almost felt like sending an email wishing him well.  Little does he realize, that I will occasionally stop into Metro Market near where he and Lois live after one of my walks.  I'm not above embarrassing him in the toilet paper aisle if I'm in the right mood.   I wouldn't.  I think all I would have to do is look and make him run.  

I was friendly with one of the paralegals who had started shortly after I did.  I didn't work with her but I helped her with questions, especially when someone else gave her a hard time.  I would step in if she needed something and even after she left to start her own business, I would run into her. She would still do work for us but she was working at home.  I thought we were ok and then she came in one day with another presentation to do with someone who was working for her.  She had looked so nice when I saw her and when I said hello, she looked at me and walked past. What the ????  Even when I saw her in the conference room, she did make eye contact with me when I would walk past but it was like she was looking into a blank space.  I was shocked.  Not sad when we dumped her services either.

When I started working at Target, I made friends with a guy that worked in the toy department.  We would prank call each other with questions.  This was the one and only time I ever asked anyone out and being that I was fresh out of high school, I slipped him a note and put it into his jacket pocket.  Yeah, I'm smooth, aren't I?  Why don't I drop a book in front of him and ask him to pick it up like I'm the Fonz? I wasn't working for a few days and when I came in for my check, I saw someone I hadn't seen for awhile and we were talking in a side aisle when my toy department buddy came up to me and announced that he had a girlfriend.  Thanks, but no thanks.  What do you say to that?  I said Oh, I'm sorry.  I wished him a good night working.  After that, he was rude to me when I would call with a question.  He would not look at me when I walked by.  I found out from a few people that they thought he was gay.

I get it.  This was the late 80s and people weren't real open about coming out. I felt bad that maybe I made him feel uncomfortable.  I thought we could have been friends and it would have been ok.  He didn't have to tell me that he was gay, but he could have been nicer to me.  He could have seen that I wasn't going to spread rumors or say mean things.  I had fun with him and he made sure to crush me every chance he got by walking past me and not looking at me.  Luckily he left a few months later.  

One of the most destructive forms of communication is not acknowledging someone.  It was really on them and not on me but of course I'm going to say, What did I do?  Did I do something bad?

No.  I was nice to people that didn't deserve it.  That was my mistake.