A Grey Day

 You would think it would be a nice day to have a day off.

It wasn't.

This weekend was horrible with the horrible with the blizzard.  Because the monster downstairs is unpredictable I knew I had to shovel by the garage.  We needed food and I didn't know if a delivery service would deliver since he wasn't shoveling.

I felt so weak and so depressed shoveling by the garage.  I had gone out for a half hour and thought, if I pace myself, I can get it cleaned up.  I know I'm at a horribly unhealthy weight.  This was not good cardio exercise.  This was an opportunity for a heart attack.

I was ready to give up the second time after about 45 minutes and my neighbor across the alley helped me clean it up.  I wanted to cry. I wasn't used to help and I was so grateful.  When I said this was more than enough for us to go out and get groceries, I was about to go in and I realized the garage door wouldn't stay closed.  It popped back open.  I texted the landlord and had hoped he would come over to take a look.  Instead, he directed me that an ice chunk was stuck to the door and explained the process of how the garage door works.  My neighbor helped me again close the door.  I told the landlord my neighbor helped me close the door and I'll go back out later.  I would have thought he would have said why isn't the monster shoveling?  Instead, it felt like it was my job.  I moved to this duplex to not have to deal with snow removal.  I definitely did not want my mom out there with her eye sight issues.

I wanted to cry when I came inside and needed a rest.  It appeared that fifteen minutes later, the Monster came outside and tried to shovel. He acted like he didn't know what to do.  We suspected he received a text or call from the landlord asking why he wasn't out there.  There is actually a snow blower in the garage but the Monster never uses it.  He used it once and then pretty much ignored shoveling about 70% of the time.  The next morning the snow blower was gone and I thought maybe the landlord took it.  Our garbage cans are frozen shut and it's unsalted.  We got our groceries and my mom was scared carrying the groceries yesterday because nobody salted.  We have a bag of salt hidden which I will get out.  We did not sign up for this.

Our landlord would like us to go.  I told my mom to not say it but I know she's right.  He would like more than the grand he is getting.  We have a leaky tub he won't fix.  He won't do anything about The Monster.  He's not mean to us but horribly condescending, like telling us that he and his wife are paying us to live there as he raised our rent another $250 in early September and came to our door with the letter when he knew my sister and brother in-law were here.  The cruelty that happened was crushing my mom because it's crushing her financially.  It's not helping me either.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I hope that something opens up where we can move come spring.  I hate that I have to use whatever tax money or bonus money I get will be used to get away from The Monster. I think there's two Monsters that I'm starting to see.  I am feeling crushed.

So to anyone who has offered help, I wish they would help. I need help. I need to hear it will be ok.  I need a friend who will be a friend to my mom.

I am very sad today.  If anyone is reading this, I wish you knew how much a friendship would mean to me right now.  I don't need suggestions, or ideas, I need to hear, I am here for you.  I will show up and even if I'm fifteen minutes, I'll bring sandwiches.  Or candy.    

Maybe tomorrow will be better.  Today is just not good.