Good Bad & Expensive

 There has been good news the past few weeks.

I got a really nice raise.  I really need it.  I think it's the best I've had in years.  It's been so many that I don't remember if this is the highest.  It was a relief.  And very much needed.

My oncologist thinks I could end my treatment with the Zoladex shot and anastrozole.  I am having my next screening and bone density exam on the same day.  Sounds like a good time, good grief.  I'll see her again in July and we'll take it from there.

She thought I could have ended it a couple of weeks and to be honest, I got scared.  Just when I think I'm ok, turns out something happens.  I had that happen when my surgeon said after 3 years, my chance of recurrence goes down and I had another biopsy with my next screening.  Then I got tested for ovarian and endometrial cancer because it turned out my menopause was a false alarm.  I had endometrial polyps.  Not cancerous thank goodness but they're probably still there.  I so badly wanted to say yes.

Unless something horribly goes wrong next month, I want this all to end.  I am just being crushed financially with everything.  I can't take it.  I just can't do it for much longer. I don't even think I'll be doing a skin check this year.  It's $55 buck but my finances are a mess.  Unless I get my $2500 in and paid for, I might but I have to skip another damn medical appointment I should have.  I already put off my eye doctor appointment.

I sit in my home with like 5 layers of clothing because of what happened with my energy bill.  I was surprised when my neighbor downstairs actually shoveled last Friday.  I don't think I'll have that luxury.  I really couldn't afford to see my eye doctor and then have the stress of having to shovel before my appointment, I cancelled.  I'll be shoveling a path by the mailbox leading to our garage.  That is how I'll spend my afternoon off because my neighbor is lazy and it his responsibility. I did not agree to it and I have appointments on Friday.

I am taking my mom to the doctor on Friday and it's just a standard thing for her.  In the morning, I am hoping that the car dealer will be able to give me a loan for my car.  Or I'm going to lose my mind and burst into tears.  I really can't afford a car payment because of the energy bill but I have bonus money, taxes, and a raise that will come in not soon enough.

Part of me doesn't care what happens if I end my treatment sooner than planned.  My quality of life is terrible with all of this medical.  

I am just feeling crushed.  

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