The Good Fight

 It's a new year and I'm getting over an ugly sinus infection.

Doesn't help when the neighbor downstairs is probably growing his own weed.  My mom growled at him to quit doing it in the house and be aware that his stuff makes us sick.  I don't care what people do but realize it makes people sick.  I had been dealing with vertigo before and after Christmas.  Our duplex is an older building.  There's only so much blocking of heat vents we can do and it's unfair that we have to do it to stay healthy.

I'm still writing my postcards for democracy.  There's a woman that needs to get into Congress in Virginia and a race for our supreme court.  Complacency is not an option anymore.

I finished watching The Good Fight.  I loved Christine Baranski when she was on Cybil Shepherd's show years ago and then The Good Wife.  I got CBS All Access just for her show.  And it's worth it if it was the only show I watched. I realize I'm not doing spoiler alerts when this blog has only had 5 views, but there was a character on the final season that I wanted for Diane Lockhart.  He was sweet, kind and just a lovely person that seemed so kind of right for Diane's character.  I could identify what she was feeling through the season.  There's a lot for us to unload in the last few years, Ukraine, Uvalde and the string of shootings that seem to keep going on and on, white supremacy, etc.  It can just leave a person feel unsettled and feel like Will we ever be ok?  That's why we put up The Good Fight everyday.  We keep going.

I don't do resolutions when a new year starts.  I do think of things I would like to change and I guess I keep it to myself and hope that I can keep up with it.

I have not been at a good weight for a long time.  I know a lot of the reasons.  Self control.  Not caring.  In the last year, I got shook up when my neighbor went on a drug rage and screamed that my mom and I were F - ING c you next tuesdays.  I can't say what exactly it is that sent me downhill.  Was it feeling afraid of going outside to get the mail and get yelled at by my neighbor?  There a lot of young men like him that have this attitude towards women like myself or my mom.  We're nothing.  We're garbage.  Nobody will believe old women like you.  It wasn't just the neighbor, it's the feeling of how you're disregarded at a certain age in your life.  Your opinion doesn't count.  You're not worthy of anything.

I saw my friend that ignored me for almost a year around the holiday.  I was getting my hair cut and colored and he let me know how beautiful I looked.  I just can't with that BS.  My hair was being processed so it was standing straight on end.  I realize I didn't look hideous but there was something so kind of empty about the words that he used.  I was still polite and nice, but I felt funny.  It was like Oh, I'll throw you a little crumb because I know it'll make your sad life better!  No thank you.  He hadn't even noticed that I had unfriended him on Facebook during one of his ignore me spells.  I did accidentally send him a friend request after I looked at his page and saw what he was up too.  How did I realize it?  I got a notification that he had posted a video. I thought Why would I get a notice of that?  OMG, I saw that sent a friend request.  

He posted a video about true friendship.  I saw that my request was pending.  It seems fitting.  I cancelled the request and nothing was sad.

I don't want to feel bad about myself in 2023.  That's probably the one resolution I want to achieve.  It doesn't matter if someone is going to disregard or call me names.  It makes that I know I"m worth something even if I'm the only who sees it.