Crushing

 Bad enough I looked up my dumb ass ex recently, I looked up a crush online.  Every so often, I will look at this person's picture and they make me smile, even though I'm no longer in their life.

We were friends and this person got married and had kids.  We lost touch and we may run into each other every once in awhile.  Part of me wants to avoid this person because of my feelings and I feel kind of like an a hole because I do have a crush.  I hated women that flirted with my boyfriends.  I saw this person once in a grocery store and I purposely avoided them just because it didn't seem like a good idea.

This time, seeing him with his family made me cry.  Hard.  It really hit me like it never had before.  

I can look at my ex and think he's an idiot. I look at my crush and I wish I was the person that was in his life because he's a good person.

I think he's with the person that he's meant to be with in his life.  His wife probably takes good care of him and their children.  She probably even remembers to pick them up from school.  I can't even remember to pick up a prescription from the pharmacy let alone remember human beings. 

This is the type of person that I wish was in my life now.  Not the stupid ex that dresses like Huggy Bear from Starsky & Hutch.  The good dad that remembers birthdays and to hold your hand when you're scared.  The good guy that makes you laugh when you're having a lousy day.  He's just the good human that you wish was your person.

It's so hard to meet people at my age and I think maybe I should hang it up.  It's just not going to happen.  Then I saw the happiness that you see with the crush that you had, you really just wish that would have happened for me.

Am I ever going to happy?  I kind of think that's not the case for me.

At least I didn't wind up with the Orange Kool Aid Man who plays in a Johnny Cash cover band.  Maybe that's the way that I should look at it . . .