And More Waiting

 Now I'm waiting to hear from the finance department at the dealership to find out if I can finance my Toyota and have a monthly payment that won't make me cry.  I think I might be ok on waiting for that call.

I got this car shortly before the world shut down, March 5th.  I had my car for 17 years and I kept telling myself when I get more bills paid off, I'll get a new car.  Yeah, that didn't happen but the people at the dealership understood.  People can be stupid with money.  And can get sick.  And go farther down the hole.

I got really good review at work so that's a good sign that maybe money will improve come spring.  I do enjoy working at home more.  Maybe I don't see people everybody but I talk to a lot of people all over the country.  It's a good world for me.

From time to time, I like to make myself feel bad and look up someone on Facebook that hurt me.  I know.  Glutton.  I secretly hope that maybe they're suffering from some male pattern baldness and to be honest, I am wondering if this person might be suffering from it.  I would be ok with that.

I do not miss the long distance ex from the past. I think he's kind of an old fool who lives in a fantasy world where all he wants to do is play the drums.  Idiot.  He offered to be there for me during my cancer treatment and told me after my surgery, glad you survived.  I have too  many things going on right now.  

How did I become so bad with money?  Example #1.  When I met this person, he was a telemarketer and had just moved back in with his parents.  When I met him face to face, we ordered pizza and he got upset that he didn't have enough money.  Well!  Look who had their vacation money.  I gave him the extra money and said no big deal. I spent the night listening to his hopes and dreams and living in my own dreamland.  I paid for the few lunches that we had during my short time because I thought, he's getting on his feet, right?  Wrong!  I saw my first red flag when we waited for my departure flight and I asked him if he could get us breakfast from McDonald's.  He thanked me for the money.  I wanted change.  He thought the $20 was for him but I didn't correct him.

I did 4 trips to his city that cost me about $3500.  I didn't pay for all of our meals but I did pay a good share.  I found out on my third visit that he was a recovering alcoholic. I gave him money for the week because he was on the verge of losing his job and he didn't have gas for his car.  I sent baked goods to his home which cost me time and money to mail because he had me believing that he was eating out of his dumpsters.  No, he never came to see me in my city.  

You help people because that's what you do as a good human being.  I don't expect some reward because that's what you should do as a human. I just don't expect people to act so awful and be so thoughtless.  It's like were you born without a conscience?  In his case, he was.  

I don't miss this person.  I am just curious about his happiness.  How come some people can be such bad humans and have happiness?  It's not a deserved happiness.  

I know I can live myself that I helped people who I thought were decent. I think I need to remember to forgive myself and take care of me.  I'm the one that deserves the happiness.

I've been waiting a long time. More waiting . . .