Not Crushing It

 Today is shot day.  And seeing the Oncology nurse who will give me the ok to get an MRI or authorization.  Or whatever protocol that needs to be done.

I dread the weigh in because I have struggled the last year and it seems to be worse.  It might explain my blood pressure from the last time I got weighed in.  Frustrating.

The blame can always be on me.  I can point fingers but it's how I cope at the end of the day.

Last week I called WE Energies about my energy bill.  Our downstairs neighbor has been using the appliances a lot the last few months.  I will probably have a settlement balance of about $300 plus. I tried to pay extra on that bill throughout the year which has helped.  The kicker from the conversation is that because of the excessive use?  They will re-evaluate my budget plan and we figured it would go from $186 to about $236.  Why?  Because of some pot head drugged out jerk who doesn't have a job who's been using stuff that doesn't belong to him.  Because of him, I'll get a reminder of what he did the last few months.  We suspect he and his girlfriend have been using the washer and dryer off and on since they moved in almost 2 years ago.  We now have locks put on the washer and dryer because of this.  I know he will find a way to retaliate.  I can't  afford him.  Why am I being financially tortured by this animal?

I will have almost all of my medical paid off soon. I think there's like $32 left before I fulfill my $2500 maximum.  I think about all the money I could use from that to pay ahead on my car lease or pay off other credit card bills. 

And I noticed that some of my payments have increased. I don't have the heart to see if the interest got raised.  I just can't.  Just can't.

I hate when I hear about someone going on vacation or some wonderful life event going on.  I'm happy for others but I am so tired of not being the one that gets the happy moments.  I get happy when my mammogram is good or I have good blood work.  It's not the same.  It's just not the same.  I try to look for the positive and I hate it when I feel sad sometimes when I see others happiness or hear about it.  I don't begrudge anyone happiness. I feel like I'm just left out of that club.

I try to find the things that give me joy to compensate from it.  It works for a moment and then I just get overwhelmed like I am this week.

I resent what my neighbor did.  Any good thing I ever had happen?  I worked for it.  I worked hard for it and I don't appreciate people stealing from me or thinking that I'm so special that I get favored, like things that happen at work.  I don't come from a big family.  My mom is 81, my cat is 11. I have family that lives in Florida with their own lives.  I am well aware that there will be a day I'll have to find a smaller place for just myself.  I try not to think about it but I know I will.  I'm not going to be a burden to others.  

I can't afford what he did and the sad thing is he isn't the first neighbor who's stolen from me.  He doesn't care that I pay for a monthly shot from cancer or that I have my own bills.  He thinks it's funny and he feels entitled.  

When people say I'm crushing my cancer appointments, I want to say thanks.  I think I'm not crushing anything.  I'm getting crushed.  

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