Love Yourself? BS

 I can't stand platitudes.  Or advice books.  Or people who quote Oprah.

Back in college, a friend of mine told me if you don't love yourself, nobody else will.  He was drunk.  I was drunk and crying about an ex that broke my heart.  He didn't know what he was talking about and I told him that.   He was as bad as I was and he's happily married.  Idiot.

Someone told me that over a mistake I made at work.  First up, I take accountability with my work and I get frustrated when it's something that's so obvious and I missed it.  It is a new world in pandemic land for all of us, working remote.  I realize things can get lost in translation with the written word and with most of us messaging or emailing but it made me laugh. I understood I shouldn't be hard on myself on mistakes.  I don't like to make extra work for someone else and that makes me feel bad. 

I have heard that phrase if you don't love yourself, nobody else will.  Shut up.  Oh, my, where do I begin?

I have days where I do hate myself. I struggle with my weight and when I'm stressed or something upsets me, where do I go?  Food.  Stupid food.  I know better and I have done better. Do I feel like that everyday?  NO!   It's a challenge I face daily and there are days I crush it and days I suck at it.  I want to do better and I am capable of doing better.

I also kind of feel like an idiot saying I'm fantastic!  I'm awesome!  I'm great!  Shouldn't people know that already after they meet me?  I don't brag about me.  I think if you're a good person, shouldn't people see that?  Usually when people have to tell me that I want to say what are you trying to prove?   Chances are, you're not.

I get where the meaning comes about loving yourself.  Don't settle.  I know the person that I am and I did settle at times.  I thought this is the best I can do with relationships.  

Back in college, I spent some time with a high school friend.  We went to movies and out to eat.  Just two friends and I suspect he did like me.  I didn't think I was good enough.  He was going to go off to medical school in Boston and I was not smart like he was.  I went out with a math major for two years who belittled me all the time and told me I would make a nice store clerk.  I didn't think I was good enough for my friend after believing that about myself.

At 53, I don't know if there is someone for me.  I get mad at myself for bad choices, but I also understand that maybe I needed to have that happen to understand I am better than I realize.  I don't give myself credit.  

Cancer was a horrible thing but it opened my eyes.  Maybe that needed to happen because a lot of people left.  I don't want people like that around.

Someone said if I did meet a guy I was interested in, I might want to avoid the cancer talk.  It makes people uncomfortable.  WTH?  Awesome.  It happened and it sucks.  It's part of my life and once a month I go somewhere.  I'm not playing games with people so they might take me to the  movies or buy me a dead rose if I don't mention I got sick once.  No thanks.

I understand that I don't want to deal with people who play games either.  I am tired of that stuff.  I think that shows I have some self respect.

I have one good friend. I have my mom. I have a cat.  I have family in Florida.  I know there's a day where I may not have some of those people in my life but I am fine.  The pandemic has made me happier in some respect to be around people that care about me and not want to use me.  You can be surrounded by people and feel lonelier than when you are alone.

Of course I wish I had more friends.  Quality friends.  Today, I had an early hair cut and I saw my friend that I texted like almost 5 months ago. I figured he had an early nail appointment and I hid in my car.  I would have said hello if he saw me.  I would have been nice.  The truth is, I want to be around people who are sincere.  People who show up.

I think that's what you call loving yourself.