When is Someday?

 I'm kind of ok.  It's an improvement but it's not ok.

I haven't gotten my federal tax refund back and I feel like crying.  I am not hurting financially, but would this money help me? Yes!  I could at least wipe out my medical bill balance for now if I had the money and be able to pay for any bills that popped up at the end of the year.

I filed a paper return and I know there's a $20 mistake which is actually in my favor.  I don't know why I keep checking every day because I feel like it's never going to happen.  I did get a nice state refund and bonus at work that helped me out.  Now I could use the money from my federal refund.  It's a lot.  I earned it.  I really earned it.

The last 2 months with work has been mentally draining  I think seeing my sister and her husband helped my mood the last few weeks but I felt a deep anxiety every time I signed in.  I felt like a failure and felt like someone was waiting to yell at me in an email.  It happened a few times where someone copied managers in about a mistake that I made.  It happens and I can't take it personal, but it sucks.  I care about the work that I do and the truth is there's not enough of us that are handling the volume.  Someone moved over to a different group and this is what has happened.  I can take the comfort of being at home. If I need to, I go sit in my room and take some deep breaths.  I am doing my best under unusual circumstances.  

And the truth is, I wouldn't want to go back to the office. I hated it.  I felt like the joke at the office.  We did a White Elephant gift exchange and I wound up getting big red panties and a toilet cleaning kit.  The red panties actually represented someone that left their underwear in the bathroom one day and it looked like someone that had their period.  I actually found them.  Ironically I wound up being the joke that got the gag gift.  It wasn't the gift that bothered me.  It was the delight that the other women took from my embarrassment and humiliation that upset me.  No matter how stressed I feel lately I tell myself at least nobody is gifting you period panties.  That sounds so sad as I type this, but it's the truth.  It's only the icing on the cake of things that happened. I don't miss the office.  It sucked for someone like me.

I walked the hill today by the Water Tower and got to see the sail boats on Lake Michigan.  It really was a beautiful day and I got groceries with my mom with a pick up.  It was a good day.

If I told someone my frustrations, I would likely hear it'll get better someday.  No.  It really won't.  I'm not trying to have a crappy attitude, but it hasn't gotten better.  I just want it to be bearable at this point.  It's not a lot to ask, but I'll take bearable. I give up on it ever being better.  Not going to happen.  

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