Shot Day

 Wish I could say it was for a drink, but I'm not really much of a drinker. Maybe in the early 90's but I digress.

Every 28 days I get a shot in my stomach at the cancer center.  Sounds fun, I know, especially when I get the bill.  

I don't have to do it, but I feel like I have to do it.  Taking Tamoxifen gave me endometrial polyps which I may have already had.  One of my many kind medical people kept bringing up a different drug after I had a surgery to remove the polyps.  I wanted to be done with this nightmare. I wanted to forget it.  Move on.  No more.  Go away.

It was a phone call I got when I was at a Wal-Mart with my mom. I don't know what I was looking for when I took the call.  They wanted my hormone levels tested so could I come in for blood work when it was convenient?  And the whole thing about the alternative drug came up in the conversation. I said I'd have to think about it.

I burst into tears when I got off the phone. I knew I had to do this.  I was having one problem after another and I don't feel like I've been a very lucky person.  At the time I had joined a group on Facebook with other survivors and all I read were horror stories.

My mom thought someone yelled at me when she found me and wanted to go yell at the person.  When I explained what it was, she wanted to buy me ice cream.

I went for blood work the next day.  I had my week off and it was a week off where I had hoped there would be no medical.  I had had an MRI weeks before that had to be redone because the tech didn't cuff my arm correctly and she yelled at me when she called to set up my other appointment.

By the time I had my appointment, I resigned myself to whatever they had for an alternative treatment. I thought I do need to explore this option.  I'm not ready to take a chance because I do feel scared about cancer coming back for me.

I'm used to my new normal.  I pay what I can with my bills and work out an arrangement. I mostly sit around and wait with the chemo patients while they get the shot.  It takes about a few minutes for them to get set up and then spray the bactine smelling spray on my stomach.  Then I'm done.  I take another pill to go along with it.  I appear to be handling it well.  Well on most days.  Other days yeah, I go to emotional hellsville.

I did drop the facebook group though after I started this treatment.  When I asked about it in the group, women came after me with how horrible it was and that I'd be a fool to do it.  I left the group.  My choice.  Everyone is different and I did feel bullied.  The administrator reached out to me and I never responded.  That's a whole different topic.

I go to the Starbucks down the street after my shot and pick up a drink as my reward for being a good girl and I do love getting my Starbucks points. I maybe go to CVS and buy stamps or some other oddball thing I need and maybe get my 40% off. I may even go for a short walk and take in some fresh air.  I think I got another checkmark for the month.  Sometimes I go to Whole Foods for a cupcake or some other thing I wouldn't normally buy with my regular groceries.  I make the best out of a bad situation.

It sucks to be me a lot of the time but I try to make it better.  It's what I do.  At least every 28 days, at 2:00 every month.