The Invisible Woman Chronicles

 Trying to think of positive things Another shot done today and the ice helped.  I'm hopefully halfway through my treatment. I wanted the new pineapple drink from Starbucks and didn't have it, but I still got my pink drink and it hit the spot on this hot day. It was nice to be home early and have the afternoon off.  I pushed myself so hard during my treatment, afraid of people thinking I was incapable of doing my job.  I learned that I needed the breathing time.  When we were in the office, I think I annoyed others when I would take a day off for an appointment and taking advantage.  I earned my time. I don't go on trips nor did I take a lot of time off around the holidays.  Maybe one day here and there, but never a week. Going for an MRI on a Tuesday and not wanting to come back in wasn't being spoiled.   I have 4 days off after tomorrow.  I did take off July 5th for another good reason.  I'm getting my hair cut and colored.  ...

And I'm struggling. Trying to think of good things about the week ahead.  There's a 4 day weekend coming my way.  Time off to relax and get my hair cut and color. Got a picture of my grand niece this week after she got her first covid shot.  Almost 3 and took it like a champ.  And she was happy with the books I sent home with my sister and stuffed animals. I paid off my January medical bill a few days ago.  I still have more, but knocking out $1200 feels good and I did it over the last few months. But then my neighbor slams our side door.  He's angry. I don't know why, but I feel like something could happen. He worries me.  He is unpredictable.  He smokes marijuana and after his angry episode a few months ago, I just don't feel safe. I just want him to stay away.  I love my home.  He makes me hate my home in the same breath. I don't feel ok with him living in the same building.  

 I don't even know what to say about the news yesterday. I'm not shocked because we knew it was coming from the leaked memo.   I remember seeing an anti abortion truck outside of the Democratic volunteer center in 2004 when I dropped off one of my lists after I went door to door.  It was a little creepy to see it sitting there.  So many times I would drive home on the freeway and see signs hanging off the freeway during an election about abortion is murder and naming the Democrat that was running is a murderer. Not shocked.   I'll never forget being called a baby killer.  Shocked.  Not shocked. I worked with a woman maybe 30 years ago that was six months pregnant and found out her baby had died.  She was going on medical leave to have a procedure.  She was heartbroken. We were all heartbroken and we all visited her when she did give birth to a healthy baby girl about 2 years later.  Is she a horrible person that she had that pr...

 The one good friend I have moved this week to Door County.  I am very happy for her and that she only has another year and a half until retirement.  She earned it.  She deserves nothing but happiness and peace.  She sent me a picture of where she was and it just looks nice. Yes, I am sad.  I feel bad that I feel that way.  I don't begrudge her happiness.  It's been a challenge for me to make friends that are sincere and will show up.  It's a rare thing and even though it didn't go away, it just moved farther away. I am really alone in this world.  I do have my mom and my cat.  My sister and her family live in Florida.  I am alone.  I really feel like it some days. I feel like I wear it on my face with people.  When I got diagnosed, it got brought up so many times, you're just a single woman in your 40's.  People turn their head to the side in sympathy while I feel humiliated that I've become this person.  I...

I wanted to leave the house today for a walk but it was really too hot.  I am feeling restless and tired from the heat and from my neighbor's existence. I have a downstairs neighbor who dislikes my mom and myself.  Why?  I don't know.  He got a free washer that we couldn't get fixed.  We are nice to his dogs.  We try to be mindful of our noise.  He does not like us.  I am a little afraid of him at times. It started when he got asked about why he didn't shovel.  Well maybe it was before that and we didn't know it.  We had a bad February and I fell twice by the garage.  Hard.  So my 80 something mother asked him when she went out to clean up what snow I couldn't after I pulled out the shovel and tried to shovel the steps.  He told her it was too cold and laughed.  When she shared her concern about the city getting upset, he went off on a tirade about how I parked my car in the garage.  That was the end of any neigh...

 My weeks seem to start out rough and end on a better note. I'll take that win.  I hadn't seen my sister in 4 years. I saw my brother in-law last year when he came to see his mom.   They were nice enough to help me set up a monitor to help me see instead of looking at the small print on my laptop.  I had finished up some emails before I signed off and I was able to eat dinner and have a nice conversation with them and my mom. I remembered around 8:30 I made a mistake.  And it was a mistake on a file that belonged to someone who already shamed me once and I felt panicked.  I got distracted by the conversation going on and looked for my laptop, hoping nobody would notice that I was going in full meltdown mode.  I emailed someone about my mistake hoping they would see it first thing in the morning.  I signed off right away and I felt myself shaking and just plain tired. My sister and brother in-law were leaving and asked if it was ok and my dam ...

 I am struggling a bit with a new work assignment. I've bounced around to working with new groups since the pandemic and it's been alright, but it's been a little difficult with balancing when I just feel off with how much I"m doing.  I have my mojo somedays and somedays I don't know why I gout out of bed.  Today was that day. I got shamed by a mistake.  It wasn't that the person called me, they copied a few people to let me know I. AM. STUPID.  And no, I don't take it personal. It comes with the territory when it comes to the work that I do.  I like being behind the scenes and assisting but it seems to be that my kind can feel the wrath of when things go wrong.  Or sometimes all that we juggle is not enough.  We are the recipient of a bad day if someone has a fight with a spouse or a child and get told, it's better it happened to you than their family member.  Lucky me. Glad I'm not a family member. The worst came with someone who I reported...

 I don't know how the heck to vote for in our August primary for the senate.  Whoever wins, they got my support 150%. I wish Mandela Barnes would run for a second term as Lieutenant Governor.  He's my natural choice for Senate pick.  Young uprising star in the Democratic primary.  He's going to go places. I kind of wish he would stay on with the governor and maybe run for the governor of our state when Tony Evers no longer wants to run. I want to see more young men of color like Mandela running for higher office. Then there's Alex Lasry, the businessman.  You'd think I'd say No way to someone in business after Donald Trump.  I read the negatives about Lasry and thought yeah, seems nice, but I'm not so sure.  I read the positives about him as a business person.  Herb Kohl was a business person and he was a fine senator for our state.  I got to admit he's killing me that cute baby in his commercials.  He's nothing like Donald Trump by...

 I moved to Bay View during my senior year.  I'm grew up in South Milwaukee and I was so anxious to get it.  I'll admit I made it sound like the town that didn't allow dancing in Footloose but there wasn't any place to go at the time as a kid.  We would walk to Kohl's and have to cross the railroad tracks.  No, I didn't do a Kevin Bacon dance every time I crossed it either.     My dad wanted to be closer to Milwaukee and we were maybe a mile away from the airport.  The neighborhood was nice but we lived behind a business and next door to a business that had issues with their garbage.  Gross.  I digress. I would walk to the bus stop and take the bus to college.  I was happy living there because it seemed like the world was a little more open.  The friends I made during college were working their part time jobs and their parents had jobs like my parents did, blue collar. And it was more down to earth.  It seemed like pe...

 I was always that person that needed to lose 5 pounds.  I was ok with it.  Didn't bother me when it was 10 pounds.   Well now it's a lot more and it sucks.  It crept up over time and it's been a battle every since.  I could cry every time I step on a scale. I know it's only a number but when you're scared of heart attacks and getting sick, it sucks. I know I have menopause running against me.  I know it's been said the cancer pills don't cause weight but they don't help in losing.  I also take an anti depressant.  I took it years ago and I lost weight within the first year, but it seems to flatline after that time. I've been mooed at and fat shamed.  I made a comment on Don Lemon's instagram page one day about how much I love his show and someone who hates Don came onto my page and told me I'm fat and that I'm the reason that people are in the hospital dying of covid.  Fat people like me.  He was a troll and it shouldn't ...

I've watched the first hour of the January 6th hearing. When I think I can't be more shocked, I am. And I'm reminded why I've been writing letters and filling out postcards for the upcoming mid terms like a mad scientist checking my lists and getting my stamps. Seeing Officer Harry Dunn in the audience with tears streaming down his face reminds me why this election and every election is important.  I watched Officer Dunn last year testify and share the ugly response he got when he told the rioters that he voted for Joe Biden. It's not become an issue of healthcare or education.  Voting is about saving our humanity.  It matters how treat each others.  It matters that we treat each other and talk to each other with respect regardless of our race or our religion or who we love.   My liberal heart is bleeding pain as I watch this hearing.  I never want to see another day like this again.  

 I kind of see this blog as my own therapy to express myself. I tried it after getting sick 7 years ago and it was so depressing it made The Bell Jar looked like a comedy.  It was not helpful. I wanted to remember the happy moments that have happened recently. I have a grand niece who is beautiful, bright and going to be 3 in a couple of months.  My sister sent me a video of her saying good morning to Git Gamma to my mom.  And for me, she said Hi, Aunt Bunny.  I asked her did she say Bunny?  Close to Connie, but it sounded like Bunny.  So sweet.  If I could buy her the world I'd buy it for her.  I printed off a picture of her last day at school and my mom found a frame for it. I got my assigned postcards from Postcards for Swing States yesterday.  The dork in me got excited by my assignment. I have been assigned to write 500 postcards to the state of North Carolina.  Ok.  Let's do this.  Let's get Cheri Beasley elected, No...

 Why aren't I married? I heard that a lot in my 20's.  That's a rude question.  Why are you married?  Being shy doesn't help my cause and not having a lot of friends didn't help me either.  I had friends and I did do the fix up which really wound up sucking every time. I did the internet pen pals thing before Match.com and all the other swiping apps.  I never did the bars.  I did spend some time there but I watched a lot of cautionary  movies in the 1970s and 80s about meeting men in bars.  Never ended well and never seemed like a good idea.  I hated bars even in my younger days.  Wasn't fun.  Loud.  Annoying.  Gross people.  I hung out with my friends from college and drank beer in their basement while watching David Letterman.  It was a way more classy environment. I did have a couple of relationships that ended badly.  I had one that should have ended when I was left stranded at the airport in San Di...

 Wish I could say it was for a drink, but I'm not really much of a drinker. Maybe in the early 90's but I digress. Every 28 days I get a shot in my stomach at the cancer center.  Sounds fun, I know, especially when I get the bill.   I don't have to do it, but I feel like I have to do it.  Taking Tamoxifen gave me endometrial polyps which I may have already had.  One of my many kind medical people kept bringing up a different drug after I had a surgery to remove the polyps.  I wanted to be done with this nightmare. I wanted to forget it.  Move on.  No more.  Go away. It was a phone call I got when I was at a Wal-Mart with my mom. I don't know what I was looking for when I took the call.  They wanted my hormone levels tested so could I come in for blood work when it was convenient?  And the whole thing about the alternative drug came up in the conversation. I said I'd have to think about it. I burst into tears when I got off the ...