Anxiety Survivor

 My weeks seem to start out rough and end on a better note.

I'll take that win. 

I hadn't seen my sister in 4 years. I saw my brother in-law last year when he came to see his mom.  

They were nice enough to help me set up a monitor to help me see instead of looking at the small print on my laptop.  I had finished up some emails before I signed off and I was able to eat dinner and have a nice conversation with them and my mom.

I remembered around 8:30 I made a mistake.  And it was a mistake on a file that belonged to someone who already shamed me once and I felt panicked.  I got distracted by the conversation going on and looked for my laptop, hoping nobody would notice that I was going in full meltdown mode.  I emailed someone about my mistake hoping they would see it first thing in the morning.  I signed off right away and I felt myself shaking and just plain tired.

My sister and brother in-law were leaving and asked if it was ok and my dam burst.  I said I'm failing miserably and couldn't stop crying.  They felt like maybe they distracted me and made things worse when they arrived.  No.  No.  Nobody can fix the feelings I have when mistakes happen and it's been happening a lot.  It's been too much and it's been unfair.  

I hardly slept that night still focused on that one thing.  I got up early and I could barely put my contact lens in from my eyes being so puffy from crying.

The person that I contacted had fixed my problem.  And she also gave me her phone number to text me if I have a panic attack like this and let me know if this happens again.  Someone people will crush you like a bug.  And then there are the helpers who recognize your anxiety and want to make it better.

It's been a life long battle for me.  I don't melt down when I make mistakes. I usually make 5 before 8:30 am.  I'm joking.  Most days.  

Things will nag at you and build up to a point where it becomes too much.  Can't cope  Can't sleep.  Can't do anything.  Convinced I'm going to die.  People think you're a drama queen freak.  Screw them.  That's the problem with people like that.  If you admit these things, then you got some jackhole that says Maybe you should try some medication or talk to a doctor?   The voice is usually soft and slow because they're afraid you might freak out if someone talked fast.  I got anxiety, I'm not deaf, jackasses.

There was an intern that worked with our group years ago who committed suicide a few years back.  I was horrified at how people talked about her, like yeah, I knew she had problems.  Yeah, she was kind of flighty.  Like yeah, they knew she would do something like that.

Oh my goodness, she was kind of a ditsy young girl who seemed a little lost in life.  She seemed nice from what I saw but she needed compassion and not judgment.

If maybe there was a pill for compassion, anti depressants and anti anxiety medication wouldn't be needed.


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