Expectations and Reality

 Why aren't I married?

I heard that a lot in my 20's.  That's a rude question.  Why are you married? 

Being shy doesn't help my cause and not having a lot of friends didn't help me either.  I had friends and I did do the fix up which really wound up sucking every time.

I did the internet pen pals thing before Match.com and all the other swiping apps.  I never did the bars.  I did spend some time there but I watched a lot of cautionary  movies in the 1970s and 80s about meeting men in bars.  Never ended well and never seemed like a good idea.  I hated bars even in my younger days.  Wasn't fun.  Loud.  Annoying.  Gross people.  I hung out with my friends from college and drank beer in their basement while watching David Letterman.  It was a way more classy environment.

I did have a couple of relationships that ended badly.  I had one that should have ended when I was left stranded at the airport in San Diego because someone didn't know what day it was.  

I didn't dream about weddings growing up.  I did dream about being married to like Donny Osmond. Or some other hunk of the week.  I hate weddings.  I don't get it.  I don't totally hate it but I don't get why people fuss over the stupidest stuff like place settings.  I would have had a small section for my side of the family.  Well I'd be lucky if 2 people showed up.  I always like watched the smaller weddings on TV that seemed more intimate and sincere.  Big weddings just seem kind of eh, a big wasteful party.

I don't have a lot of dating experience because I am shy and I am wary of men.  A lot of men that responded to my internet request for a pen pal wanted to see naked pictures of me.  That type of garbage is just old.  It's like please leave me alone.  Bad enough I dealt with it on the street or at jobs.  Bad enough to deal with this from a stranger in Indiana who wants a cyber sex friend.  Ew.  No.  No!  

What little experience I had was just bad.  I was always the second choice and I felt like I could prove I was worthy to be the first choice.  I dealt with the ghosts of ex girlfriends that would rear their ugly heads in some instances.

The relationship that should have ended a long time ago ended after I had my cancer surgery.  That person was relieved I made it but had no time to be around me now because their own life was complicated.  I never heard from that person again.

I was mad at myself for a long time.  Yes, it hurt me.  What a horrible person.  I played the should have cut him off a long time ago.  I was approaching my mid 30s and feeling kind of panicked about life. He would pop in and out and always said things that just confused me.  I was so decent to this person when they were done and out.  I wanted to be there and help them with their alcoholism.  And now I was being treated like the damaged person.  That was just cruel.

I felt like I just ruined my life wasting my time with this person while recovering from a scary health situation.  I was a mess and didn't think I'd ever be ok again.

It took about 11 months for me to feel ok.  I don't know what happened but I woke up one day and it seemed like it was just a really good day.  I felt like I could smile more and I felt like a weight was lifted off of me.

I felt like I could be myself again. And I should never stop being me.  Love is such a crap shot and maybe it's not in my stars, but I don't want to settle for anyone or make myself to be someone that I'm not.  I actually felt more alone with someone than by myself.  

I like binge watching Friends or other shows like The Office. I laugh at fart jokes. I love documentaries about scandalous businesses that rip people off and I love my mom.  I love all animals and maybe I never had kids but it doesn't mean that I'm not kind or don't care about people.  I'm the most loyal person you'll meet and I'll stick up for anyone. I got people's backs and I'm damn good at my job.  I need to be a healthier weight and I say mean things about myself but I get over it and snap out of those funks.   I'm not cool but I'm ok with that.  I'm a person that won't say I'm a good person because I think if you are a good person, shouldn't people know it?

I'm deserving of a lot in this life and I know the world doesn't owe me anything.  I appreciate what I have.  I do wish for more some days.  When I came home from the cancer center, I just wanted to lay in bed and watch TV.  I didn't feel pain, just fatigue and wanted to forget about everything. I wished that I had someone holding me and telling me it was ok.  Sometimes I wish for that.  It's not greedy to want comfort.  It's my reality.  

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