The Weight of it All

 I was always that person that needed to lose 5 pounds.  I was ok with it.  Didn't bother me when it was 10 pounds.  

Well now it's a lot more and it sucks.  It crept up over time and it's been a battle every since.  I could cry every time I step on a scale. I know it's only a number but when you're scared of heart attacks and getting sick, it sucks.

I know I have menopause running against me.  I know it's been said the cancer pills don't cause weight but they don't help in losing.  I also take an anti depressant.  I took it years ago and I lost weight within the first year, but it seems to flatline after that time.

I've been mooed at and fat shamed.  I made a comment on Don Lemon's instagram page one day about how much I love his show and someone who hates Don came onto my page and told me I'm fat and that I'm the reason that people are in the hospital dying of covid.  Fat people like me.  He was a troll and it shouldn't hurt me, but it hurt me.  I am fat.  I am afraid of covid. I feel shame about it and I'm trying.

When we were in the office and we did walking challenges people were always so amazed at how many steps I got.  I would walk during my breaks and at lunch, whether permitting.  If it was too hot, I'd find a Wal Mart and walk around.  I keep moving.  I just keep moving.  Even with the pandemic, I make my room a work out room.  I'll walk back and forth, I'll use my resistance bands to help me with bone strength and I'll use light weights for my arms.  I'm going to get something to help with my abs from Amazon to help out as well.  I am trying every day.

My eating isn't the greatest. I do eat fruits and vegetables and eat proteins, drink my water.  I do know where to find sweets.  I will stress eat.  I feel like carry the weight of the world and it shows on my stomach, my back, my legs, sigh.  It's horrible when I go to the doctors and get weighed.  When people say they don't go for that i want to kick them.  I don't like it but I need to see it and be accountable.

I am an emotional eater.  I will confess to that.  I actually did pretty good the first year of the pandemic and started to make progress with my weight.  Then it slowly crept up the next year and has been a battle ever since.  I felt so proud of myself when I saw my doctor and now I feel shame.  He understands.  It makes me feel like I let him down more when he's so understanding and talks to me about it not being easy.

I felt like it was fault that I got breast cancer because I had gained 20 pounds over a 2 year period and was getting to a really bad weight which I'm now at.  People asked me if that was the reason and it crushed me.  Bad enough I kept myself up at nights blaming myself.  People implying it just hurt me more.

I remember as a kid my aunt pointed out that all I do is eat.  She went off on a rant during one of her trips.  She was one of my favorite aunts and it took me by surprise.  She wasn't wrong.

I did Weight Watchers over the years and got to a healthy weight and had people tell me I needed to eat.  And anytime I talk about losing weight, people tell me I look just fine.

I don't want to go back to a small size. I want to be healthy.  I want to be able to feel ok wearing shorts or even wearing something sleeveless.  I want to feel ok wearing my Obama T shirt that's a size large but doesn't fit me anymore.

I have a kind heart.  I know I'm so much more than than a number on the scale.  I want to feel better health wise, emotionally and physically.  

I'll get there.  Every day is a new day and I'll get there.  Someday.  




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