It's Really Simple

 The one good friend I have moved this week to Door County.  I am very happy for her and that she only has another year and a half until retirement.  She earned it.  She deserves nothing but happiness and peace.  She sent me a picture of where she was and it just looks nice.

Yes, I am sad.  I feel bad that I feel that way.  I don't begrudge her happiness.  It's been a challenge for me to make friends that are sincere and will show up.  It's a rare thing and even though it didn't go away, it just moved farther away.

I am really alone in this world.  I do have my mom and my cat.  My sister and her family live in Florida.  I am alone.  I really feel like it some days.

I feel like I wear it on my face with people.  When I got diagnosed, it got brought up so many times, you're just a single woman in your 40's.  People turn their head to the side in sympathy while I feel humiliated that I've become this person. 

I have had friends but they've turned on me.  Or used me.  Or just ignored me and I moved on.  I just kind of gave up until I found out I needed a biopsy.  I mentioned it to my friend and she showed up.  When I got diagnosed, she said she would take me for my surgery.  I was embarrassed and cried harder when my mom said see, you said that you don't have any friends.  Forty six years old and my mommy is telling my business.  Thanks, mom!  She wasn't wrong. I had a friend.  I was really grateful.

If I were to tell anyone that I felt lonely at times, I would hear join a club!  Or maybe you should take to someone.  They would speak in a low voice because it seemed less condescending.  People don't offer their time, they offer their unwelcome advice.  And I have had a ton of it.  

I read Joe Biden's book about his son Beau in like 2017, Promise me, Dad.  It was maybe around page 55 or 56 that I go back and read from time to time because it hit home for me.  Joe was attending the funeral of some fallen police officers in New York and he was speaking to a widow about her loss.  He offered his phone number, as the former vice president and now president has done for people.  He told him that people will move on and you may want to talk but you may feel like you can't.  He offered a kind ear and open heart as he had to many people.  

That's what I wish for when I go on my walks.  I wish there was someone that I could talk to about my week, or my anxiety or anything.  I would be perfectly happy talking about something in the news or on TV.  So far, I just seem to attract the attention of sweet natured dogs who want to say hello to me.  I'm ok with that.  I love my friend that just left but I also knew she had plenty to do with her own family.  I never felt ok to send messages late at night when I was upset over a nightmare or just felt alone.  For me, I feel like that makes people feel worse when I say that.  I am afraid to bother anyone with anything.  

I did join a group for cancer survivors a few years back and I felt kind of bullied when I brought up the treatment I was starting.  I thought maybe that was a solution but it was worse, getting private messages that I was ruining my life if I went through with what I"m doing now.  The administrator sent me a message when I left the group and asked if I felt bullied. I never answered.  I just didn't want to go back.

I don't need to be part of a ladies who drink wine group, or a book club.  It's really just simple. I just wish I had that friend I could call and they would be ok with whatever I wanted to talk about.  I'm more likely to text.  I'm not much for calling and I would't do that at 3 in the morning. I might send a picture of my cat though to be funny.

If I said it out loud, someone would make a suggestion or offer advice.  It's easy to speak in platitudes.  I don't understand why it's so hard to show up for others.