What a Stupid Day

It was productive.  It was hot.  OMG is it hot out there.  I was on a quest after work to find ice cream bars for my mom and I didn't realize it was 97 degrees. I thought oh, I can maybe walk after work to the store.  Hold my ice cream while it melts. I figured I should drive since yeah.  It would melt if I dare walk.  Last night didn't feel so bad when I did it.  It's six blocks and there was a wind blowing.  Definitely feeling the heat tonight.  Go over to Mar A Lardo please and leave us alone.

The stupid part?  Well if you think it involves the diva, you would be right!  I think of how nice it is that I don't have to listen to people's dumb conversations standing by my desk all the time. I don't want to know your wife has IBS. I think I know what may be causing it though!  There was one conversation with some of the woman talking about their sons whipping it out in the snow to pee in winter.  I drew the line at that and let them know I'm on a phone call.  Fun to watch them scatter.  More fun knowing it was my mom on the other end.

Now I get to see it in a chat with her best friend Regina.  It's the gushing and the oh, you're so wonderful.  I guess they're experiencing wildfires in their area and the diva wanted to do a rain dance.  I'm like how do I block this crap?  I don't want that image in my head.  It's probably on fire because they saw her Tik Tok videos in her nightgown with no bra on.  I know I wanted to spontaneously combust when I saw her account.  I helped the diva not because she's the diva but there's a new sheriff in town and I figured I should.  Would I have with the stomper?  Yeah.  I wouldn't say anything though but I did say yesterday I would.  The diva went on about how I was the expert in that area when she started in front of everyone.  Always got to put on a show.  I'm like yeah.  Whatever.  You're a real peach.

Today, she needed help and she put people's names in our chat for help.  Mine was there and I thought great.  I'm ok with that.  Thanks for showing you don't want my help. I hope someone is observing.  

I'll say it again. I opened up about people bullying me.  I opened up about the lurker and Regina bullying me.  Now she treats me like garbage unless she thinks it'll help score points with the higher ups.  I suspect she has reported me for my mistakes with the stomper.  She really is an ugly individual on the inside.  Makes me so mad for opening up to her thinking she was ok.  I think maybe I'm too closed off and then I think I meet someone who gets me.  I think no.  I still trust people.  I just don't always catch the deception.  I hate that someone like that treats me like I'm beneath them. 

I'm afraid I was never good at being that person who gushes. If I'm happy to see you, I'm happy to see you and will let you know.  I'm not Oh, look at you in your nice outfit and carry on like a fool.  I think my college boyfriend felt like I wasn't good enough to marry because he wanted to entertain people when he became a professor and he didn't think I'd fit in that world.  Sigh.  I can make nice in any situation.  I'm not going to put on a show like that.  

Shortly after things ended with the college boyfriend, I spent some time with a friend I went to high school with.  He was at UWM and he was a med student.  I liked Jeff.  He was a nice person who did treat me like I was good enough. I was in the advanced English classes in high school but yet I was in the remedial class for math.  Go figure.  I suspected that Jeff had a crush on me. I liked him as a friend and I also thought, I wouldn't be good enough for him.  He's a med student.  I wouldn't fit being a doctor's wife.  Jeff wound up going to school out on the east coast.  He actually moved back to the area with his wife and kids.  I hadn't seen him but I know he's an endocrinologist.  I was happy to hear that.

Where did I wind up?  Wasting time on an idiot musician.  No.  Things wouldn't have worked with Jeff.  He was a really good friend and I'm happy he has a family and a great career.  He did and still deserves the best. 

I just didn't think I deserved the best in a long time.  How did I get on this tangent?  Damned if  I know. I blame the diva and her snotty attitude, making me feel like I'm not good enough to answer her questions.  

I have deserved better in my life and still hope that there's better for me.  Look at me.  Feeling like  an optimist!  I was good enough to be a doctor's wife or a professor's wife or a plumber's wife.  I deserved a love that would have treated me with kindness and respect.  I deserved better. I definitely don't deserve people like the diva treating me like garbage.  She should be ashamed for stabbing me in the back. 

I deserve better.