Tired of Asking

I've been a little sad since the Thinker left last week.  I haven't really had anyone to talk to during the day even though I'm probably more productive in some respect.  I did get help in catching up which was great.

I hate that I have a horrible time making friends.  It's even worse at my age now. I know I have Corinne but she's also 4 hours away and has a way better life now that she has her person.  

Shyness is my enemy and being vulnerable has made me prey for horrible people in my life.  You get to the point where you ask, What's the point?  Everyone is a user.  

I hear, Well you need to ask people if you want to get together.  I HAVE!  MILLIONS OF TIMES!  How many times do I need to ask?  I would ask Cassie if she wanted to meet for Starbucks when I would be downtown for an appointment.  She was only blocks away and I wouldn't hear from her until after my appointment that she was busy.  There have been plenty of Cassies that I've encountered who would seem friendly enough to talk in the work place and maybe I'd get together with them.  It would be made known to me that they have other things to do when I would ask or make a suggestion.

I was kind of close to my friend Mo when we worked together.  We did go out a few times outside of the work place and even when I left, we kept in touch.  When I was having problems with Harold, Mo was going to call me or email me about going to see a movie.  I never heard from her.  I did email her and say something I'm sorry you're so busy.  I understand. I wasn't mad. I was sad.  I didn't think anyone wanted to spend time with me.  I found out months later that she sent me a nasty email and it went to my spam.  She apologized to me and I thought for what?  She was angry at my email and wrote back.  Thank god for spam.

She was upset because a lot of people call her flaky for not showing up or being responsive.  I did nothing like that.  I was depressed because of the idiot I was placing my hopes on was playing me like a fiddle.  I wasn't upset with her.  She also told me that her true friends understand if we don't show up for each other.

I know.  How can you refer to someone like that as a friend?  I don't know.  I'm only in touch with her through social media.  I am happy for her success but I also know that if I asked her to do lunch, I'd have a 50/50 chance of her showing up.  If I get a little upset, I better hope it goes to a spam folder.

Really, there's no reason to get upset because you blew off of a friend.  You should say I'm sorry.  Let's do something and I'll make it right. It would crush me if I found out I did that to someone else.

I lost touch with Ethan and Jeremy when they became engaged.  Not to each other.  That does sound funny, doesn't it?  I knew with Jeremy, his soon to be wife didn't want him to be hanging out with his friends, especially a female friend. She liked me and told Jeremy I was no threat.  What does that mean?  No.  I wasn't.  He was my friend.  His priority was elsewhere and did I blame either of them?  No.  Not at all. I get it.

I hate it when people suggest where I can make friends.  You should join a book club or a hiking club.  First up, I went to plenty of book readings over the years and tried to make small talk with others. I kind of had enough when I went to Jennifer Weiner's book reading. I was really excited to see her and meet her.  I felt like an outsider with the women that were there.  They had their book clubs and my small talk fell on deaf ears.  Even when I met Jennifer Weiner and told her how excited I was to meet her, she seemed annoyed by me.  Sigh.  Did I give up on people?  No.  I had more incidents like that.

Don't get me wrong.  Not everyone is bad.  I feel like in some ways, I don't want to try anymore.  I almost feel like maybe it'll happen naturally with people.  I just get tired of always doing the initiating.  

I was saying to myself for years, I got to go back to the nail salon that I went to before covid.  I actually felt like I could talk to others at the salon.  People were actually friendly, believe it or not and I don't have to worry about Lois being appalled at my presence in her neighborhood.

It surprises me when people say if you need someone to talk, I'm here as a friend.  Are you?  Are you really?  I've had a lifetime of people using me or disappearing that I don't know how to react.  When someone does something nice for me, I think do I have to give you $20 for that?  

I think of Sosie and how she probably thought I was annoying. I was so wrong.  She's such a nice person.  If I miss one person from the office, it's her.  She even said to me, how can anyone dislike you?  She was appalled at how I was treated by another attorney after they left.  She still wants to hear from me and she even acknowledges me on administrative assistant's day even though I haven't been her assistant for 5 years. I think she would even say hello to me if she saw me in Target.

I almost feel like you have to hold up a sign that says I want to be your friend and I'm not lying in order for me to believe it.

I know I'll be ok.  It just hasn't been easy.