What it feels like to be invisible

I'm not totally invisible. If I do something wrong or get accused of doing something wrong, I'm center stage.

Last week, there were exchanges of emails for dates on scheduling and when I put out dates, the other parties ignored my emails and scheduled dates that weren't clear for me.  It wasn't a shock I got ignored.  It was like well.  What's new.  Not unfamiliar for me.

One of the many things I learned in college, believe it or not was the most destructive form of communication is not acknowledging someone.  Ignoring someone.  It is something that makes a person feel invisible.  They're not worthy of a response.

I was getting subjected to a lot of destructive communication from Cassie in the last year we messaged each other.  I wouldn't get acknowledged for feeling bad.  I wouldn't hear from her for months.  I knew things were drifting away from me because of it.

You feel so like a little kid waiting for a phone call to go outside and play with the other kids.  It kind of makes you feel unworthy and needy because you're left hanging.  It isn't a matter of someone not calling you back in a day.  It's a matter of someone ignoring you for months and then dropping in unexpectedly.  

My first bout of being ghosted or being made to feel invisible came in high school with my first real boyfriend.  He would come up with excuses about being busy and when I'd ask about hearing from him, he would go off on me about how needy I was.  Is it wrong to call someone after 3 weeks and ask them if we're still a couple?  I guess I was needy.

It wasn't just relationships or friendships, it would be acknowledgment at work.  Those who spoke up got the kudos and then there's me.  Pat on the back and forgotten.  

You wake up and you wonder why am I here if I feel this way all the time?  Why do I exist?  It isn't like Oh, I want to go drive my car into Lake Michigan feeling.  You just wonder what is your purpose and then you accept it.  I'm invisible.  Nobody sees me.  Maybe that's not a bad thing.  

When I found out I was sick, I kind of thought in the back of my mind, well, life hasn't gone so well.  Maybe I wasn't meant to have a long life.  I thought after I got through all of that, I was foolish enough to think that I wouldn't be invisible. I think I became more invisible. 

I guess if I had one wish it would be to be seen a little more.  Be understood.  Maybe surprise me with a text message.  When I first started talking to Corinne again, I figured oh, she's busy being a married lady now. I don't hear from her everyday, but when I do, I appreciate it.

I wish the people would see the people in their lives that they take for granted and pay attention a little bit more.  It's a horrible feeling at times when you feel like you're not seen.

I was totally ok if the Salvation Army Santa didn't see me a few days ago.  What a creepazoid.  


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