Seeking a Friend in a Nearby Zip Code

 I do have friends.  I do have family.  I don't have them in a zip code near me.

I became reacquainted with a co-worker and someone I really liked before she retired 10 years ago.  We are friends and I couldn't be happier. I always liked her and well she got bullied by the same person who came after me when she left.  I still feel bad that I didn't reach out to her after she left.  I am happy that we have been messaging back and forth the last year, or almost a year.  I have missed her.

She also lives about 3 or 4 hours away from me.  She used to live near by me but her and her husband moved a few years ago and I couldn't be happier for her.  She married her long time love about 5 years ago.  It's a story that a movie could be made out of it and it thrilled me when I found out from another co-worker when she posted pictures.  Even though I don't expect to hear from her much since she is now officially retired - she makes a point to send me memes or videos of women yelling at Matt Gaetz that make me laugh.  And I so badly need that.  I very much appreciate her and would do anything she needed.  

She even tried to help me with my neighbor situation by telling a mutual friend of ours.  She had asked if i would message this friend and I did.  This person knows about security cameras and keeping yourself safe. I thought maybe this person would be a great help.  I hadn't talked to this person in 10 years or maybe longer?  I texted him and he didn't text me back.  This mutual friend helped my friend when she had a problematic neighbor.  I don't have the heart to tell her he never called or got in touch with me and it's been well over a month.

I suspect I might be getting punished for losing contact and getting sensitive about some of the comments he made about me and where I lived.  He was the most helpful person but he knew how to hurt a person.  He said I should own a home and be doing more.   He was good hearted with everyone we worked with and taken advantage of by a lot who wanted a free lunch and he would buy all the time.  He criticized me for always want to go for a sandwich. I couldn't ask someone to pay for an expensive meal. He had a wife and kids.  It wasn't fair to take advantage of a good co-worker.

I can't blame him.  He is probably helping others and I didn't respond to his requests on Facebook.  I kind of felt vulnerable about telling people I had cancer fearing the hurt and I know there's a part of me that gets he would have helped.  I'm not mad that he didn't respond.  I'm sad.  I wish it wouldn't have been like this.  I wish I could have ignored some of his comments and just let it slide.  Maybe he had a point.  Maybe I am the failure he thought I was.

I know I do need a kinder friend like my one that lives 3 hours away.  She gets it.  She understands.  I so badly wish that there was someone closer to me that could at least go for a walk with me on a Saturday morning or come over for lunch and eat a sandwich.  

I feel like that lonely little kid that stood by the school windows and watched the other kids play when I transferred schools in the first grade.  It's never been easy for me when it came to making friends.

I don't need a ton of friends in a nearby zip code. If I had one good friend close by, it would really help.  It would really make a difference.

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