Time for Me? No. Not Really - Low Expectations

I didn't mean to pile on Sosie.  She's not a bad person.  Just maybe unaware like most people.  It's been a lifelong struggle for people to make time for me.  Or to answer me.  Or just to see me.  I guess that's why I'm invisible.

I always felt like I was so demanding if I asked for something.  I always felt like I was too much if maybe I asked why didn't you call?  Or are things ok?  I just stopped asking if a period of time passed. I would think.  Well they're done with me.  

During my 2nd year at college, my boyfriend was going to a bar with some friends one evening. I really hadn't seen much of him and I really wasn't crazy about the bar that he was going to.  I joked about how trashy it was and I didn't really sense anything was wrong until I got picked up the next day and taken to work.

He was waiting for me at the bus stop.  My parents were having financial issues.  Well.  I'll say it.  They filed bankruptcy that summer and we were down to one car because my dad had been sold a lemon that could have killed us.  A cop of all people sold us the car.  Anyway, college boyfriend was helping me out a little bit with getting to work at Sears.  

Before we left the bus stop, he laid into me about what a selfish person I was and how he wasn't going to pick me up today.  He wanted to leave me at the bus stop. I never saw this side of him before and this was someone who tried to choke me being funny.  He went off about how I had no right telling him what to do when it came to going to bars and he could do as he pleased.

I panicked from the horror of it and sobbed, begging him to forgive me.  I said I was out of line and I was so sorry.  He was still yelling and I sobbed.  I begged and begged and promised I would never act like that again.

I wasn't out of line. He ignored me a lot once I left Target and I wanted a little bit of time with him.  The bar he went to was trashy.  I never ordered him around. I was hoping he would spend time with me and I turned into the worst person ever.  I begged and begged for forgiveness. I was sobbing hysterically because his anger scared me.  

Fast forward eight months later and he was seeing someone else. He never told me.  He came around to get a Christmas gift from me and gave me a crappy video game. I had to call him up and ask him if we over because he made out like I had no right to ask him for his time.

It wasn't just him that treated me that way.  Well I don't think I ever hysterically cried like that but people acting like they were doing me a favor by spending time with me.  Or giving me a call.  It would really set me off when Frick would send me a message and say Oh!  I'm just seeing your message now!  I didn't sit by the phone and wait for her calls like that.  She always had to insult me like that like you're a third class citizen and you should be so lucky.

So yeah, I'm shocked when anyone does make the time for me.  I guess I got to go back to the expectations of people don't care when it comes to me.  I'm not worth their time.  It makes things easier when you don't have any expectations.   

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