I Feel So Stupid

 This isn't about lurkers or stompers.  This is my inability to find friends in this lifetime.  I swear I don't know how to make any.  I'm lucky Corinne wants to be my friend some days.

I feel so stupid and like a little kid getting rejected on the playground again.  It's pathetic when you're my age.  I didn't want to be part of clubs or cliques.  I wanted to have people who really did care about what happened to me.

It's silly that I'm crying because it doesn't mean anything.  It doesn't mean I won't hear from this person.  I just feel like that kid that gets their hopes up and doesn't get invited to the birthday party.  

This week there was a message board of thanks for the work that we do and I noticed something was posted from Sosie. I hadn't done any work for her and it's been awhile since we talked so yeah, it kind of meant something that someone recognized me.  Saw me.  

I sent an email last night telling her what was going on and how I'm doing. I thanked her for the thank you and told her I missed her.  I thought I'll probably hear from her in the morning.

I didn't.  I thought oh.  Maybe I will later.  Then I realized maybe I won't hear anything.  How many times have I gone through this with people and the dam burst of tears came. 

I think maybe it was a thank you and wishful thinking of having me back to answer emails she didn't want to. I don't know.

I know I've mentioned this before but I saw her kids one day at a store when I was in her area.  They were well behaved as you would expect and I kind of guessed they were there after synagogue because they were all dressed up nicely.  I did see Sosie walking out of an aisle and I kind of ducked. I exited out of the store because I thought Oh.  She wouldn't want to see me.  I'm nobody.  I'm just the silly assistant who makes wise cracks and watches Bravo TV.

I really shouldn't be crying over something like this.  It is what it is.  I've been sitting here finding activities to do this summer where I could make a friend and I guess this weird expectation that I had this morning got the better of me.

This morning, I watched David Letterman on Stephen Colbert's final shows.  I laughed as I watched them throw watermelons off of the top of the building and felt silly for feeling sad that Stephen's show ends next week.  I thought Dave and Stephen were like family friends. They kept me comfort when people let me down.  I would sit and watch reruns of Letterman while my friends went on vacation or just didn't bother with me when school was out.  Stephen was my friend when people let me down after cancer.  He was a comfort I could count on.  Yeah.  That makes me sad doesn't it?

I feel so stupid but I feel so sad.  I just want a nice friend who will make time for me.  That's all.  It makes me sound so needy and I hate that. You'd be amazed that the smallest gesture would mean the world to me. 

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