I Feel Stupid

It was a recurring theme of the day.  When I signed in, I felt stupid.  I read an email from someone that just made me feel stupid.  It wasn't their fault. I didn't realize I had done something where I was making work for myself. I didn't realize the answer was in plain sight. I have no idea how to respond.  I don't know if I want to respond.  I just feel stupid.

It kind of seems like the last time I did ask or put down feedback regarding something this person works on, I got kind of a disparaging email.  We were all told to do it.  I just deleted the email and I thought if this feedback gets asked again, I'm ignoring it.  It made me feel like I was asking for the moon. I was making some minor suggestions where the lurker put down about 3 or 4 pages of issues.  There's someone that I can maybe talk to about it who will understand.  I just feel stupid and I don't know how to respond.

Today, I was gathering up some of my postcards to mail that was part of the news boosting postcards about medical debt.  Ironic, I know. I had some left over cards from the last news campaign regarding rural campaigns and I realized I had used a couple of them for this one on accident.  Last week, I accidentally wrote my message on 4 of the cards.  Yeah. I felt stupid.

Today I got my hair cut and I thought this should be a good thing, shouldn't it?  The hair cut is fine but the whole experience wasn't great.  There was one point where the girl went over to her instructor and then she came over to work on my hair.  The instructor, not the student.  She made a comment about me moving my head being a problem.  The student made a comment about my weight and it was hard.

I didn't catch everything but I wanted to cry.  I tried to fight back the tears.  I thought maybe she's talking about my hair. I have heavy coarse hair.  I also know she struggled to tie the cape around my neck and I thought maybe she was making a reference about the cape.  I also thought why is she saying that I'm moving my head? I wasn't.  Anytime she said can you move your head this way or that, I followed.

I just got quiet.  I kind of felt like she didn't really want to deal with me after that. I didn't know why.  I just wanted to leave.  I did provide feedback and explained why I did.

As I walked back to my car, I got a call from someone at their front desk.  They talked to the instructor about what happened and she said the student had issues about my hair being heavy.

Ok. I'm glad I was wrong.  I didn't bash her in my feedback like How do you dare call me fat?!  I said I'm not sure if I was being deemed difficult because of these comments and I hoped that I misheard.  When I explained it to her, I was starting to cry.  I felt stupid.  The person apologized and I said I apologized for misunderstanding. I said I don't know if this student was the best fit for me.

I didn't feel that the student was the best fit.  It seemed like she was kind of indifferent and didn't want to be bothered.  I thought I was an older person that was there.  Here I am with my hair turning grey and I just want a hair cut.  I suppose the thickness of my hair frustrated her.  Well join my club.  You know, it's a gamble when you go to a school because for the most part you get students who are nice and do a wonderful job.  Sometimes you get someone like this girl.

I feel dumb that I said anything but I thought I don't want to deal with this person the next time I come in for a haircut.  

I know I'm not dumb.  I just don't want people treating me badly or making me feel bad.

It's been a day.  

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