Empowering Women? Not Really

I guess I'm going to see a red flag anytime I hear someone say "Women should empower each other."  I agree with that statement.  When I hear it come from a woman's mouth, they usually have a knife behind their back.

Welcome to my Ted Talk on toxic people this week.  That seems to be the theme doesn't it?  Today's subject is our former managing attorney. I actually liked her name when I found out what it was.  It was the name of a favorite character from a TV show.  For privacy purposes, let's just call her Bea.  She was definitely a B.

She seemed friendly enough. It would take me awhile to figure out she was a crazy Bea.  It wasn't until the first managing attorney we had when I started had left.  We had some squirrelly weirdo from the west coast who liked to engage in gotchas with people.  He was usually home back west every few weeks and we all couldn't have been happier.  

Bea had told me that she wanted to be happy and accept that Squirrel Man was the managing attorney.  We'll call him Wesley.  He looked liked a Wesley.  She was into this positive mindset and I thought hey, good for you.  I just ran to the ladies room when I saw Wesley and hid.  He thought he was a good worker but he would say such stupid things to me.  

There was a day where I was joking around with Barry, Irma, Cassie and the big bully that used to say mean things to me. I forgot what pseudonym I gave him?  Scott?  He liked Scott Walker and he was a dick, so that seems to fit, doesn't it?  Barry had joked about getting his ears pierced at the mall and he liked hanging out with teen girls because he was one at heart.  Bea walked past us with the biggest plant on the way to her office and Barry made a joke about it.  We all laughed and carried on with our joke fest.

When I got back to my desk, I found an email from Bea.  She said that she didn't want to engage in negativity and chose to be in a happy place.  She apologized to me and hoped I would understand.  I really thought it was weird.  I really didn't think anything of it.  I'm glad I didn't delete the email because it would come back later.

When Barry had his review, he told me about the weird things Wesley had told him.  He and Scott had the same wording about negativity.  As soon as he said that phrase about engaging in negative activity, I told him about the weird email I had from Bea. I showed it to him and he wasn't shocked.  He said that if I would have asked him a year ago, he would have thought that Bea would have made a great managing attorney.  He told me about several meetings where she tried to put him down or tell his ideas weren't any good.  He felt like she kind of turned on him and became his competitor, not his colleague.  It wouldn't come as a shock that he would leave as soon as she did wind up with the job.  

I had happened to run into Bea after a meeting we had.  She had been in court and didn't get back until lunchtime and when Scott had noticed she had arrived, he made his snarky comment at her.  She fired back with a Go F yourself.

I have a tendency to laugh when something uncomfortable like this happens.  I was thrown that she would say that but I wasn't shocked.  She did apologize to me for saying that. I said doesn't everyone want to say that to him?

Here's where the hypocrisy enters.  Irma was standing in Scott's office and dropping a few F bombs about a matter they were working on.  Bea heard her and had a conversation with her about language. I found out from Scott and said This is the same person that told you to go F yourself?  He understood how hypocritical that was.  

I get it.  Know your audience and be aware that people can hear you because it can come across as super offensive, tacky and unprofessional.  It's one thing when you joke with someone you know or say something to a friend in frustration.  It was just rich coming from a woman who not only said it in front of me, but several other attorneys.  But ok.

She did wind up with the managing attorney job and initially it really was ok. I always think well, they got the job they wanted so maybe they'll be better.  Wrong.

It was the day after Christmas and I find myself staring at a meeting invite.  Corinne had just left a couple of weeks ago and we were buried with work.  Bea called myself, Frick and Frack into a meeting that morning and she laid into the three of us about being behind.

She was mean.  She was ugly.  She said that she let all the attorneys know how far behind we were and she threatened to ban us from taking time off around any holiday. Yeah, I cried.  I felt like someone was stealing my lunch money.  She was terrifying.

I did try to speak up about Corinne leaving and that we were trying to catch up.  She laid into me about making excuses.  She was awful.  

Later she told me her anger was directed at Frick and how rude she can be.  Well then talk to her and don't humiliate myself or even Frack for crying out loud.  She also told me it was ok that it cried. It was a release of my emotions.  What the hell?  

I'll say when it came to Betsy, she had my back.  She really could see in that meeting later that summer who was the villain in the story and it wasn't me.  She even said to Betsy at one point to stop it with the inflammatory language being thrown at me.  This is the person that I would have liked to have seen more of and not the one always trying to make me small.  When Betsy tried again after we got separated into two groups, Bea talked to her again and Betsy wound up in a special class on how to get along with others.  For that, I will say Bea had my back 150%.

The health stuff.  I thought maybe I could talk to her. I knew she had a family member who dealt with a serious illness so I thought maybe she would be more sensitive.  She was tearful and made me feel like such a loser.  I had no husband. I had no children.  I'm all alone in this world and am I on any medication?  If I didn't have xanax, I was going to need one after this conversation.  

When it came to talking about it with others, I put my foot down.  I said not right now.  Let me have my surgery and we'll talk.  She was prepared for me to come in with no hair, vomiting, looking sickly and becoming a Lifetime movie moment.  I wasn't doing that.  

She said I know you had your issues with Betsy.  I told her that I thought Lorna talked so terrible about her sister going this, I can't bring myself to hear her say horrible things.  

Lorna was in Bea's office all the time.  Lorna should have been gone after what she did to an attorney.  The attorney wound up leaving not so much because of Lorna but because she had a better opportunity.  I worked with Jessie and Lorna was part of our team.  Jessie and Lorna couldn't get along.  I found out later that Lorna was blaming me for her mistakes and Bea knew it. 

So much for women empowerment, am I right?  

I knew I was vulnerable. I knew someone would say something stupid and she was doing a good job.  She thought that I did something to have this happen and I should warn others.  This is someone who won't go to a doctor because they'll get called fat.  I am fat.  I see doctors.  Get over it. 

Anyway, I knew that she told her two best friends, Irma and Lorna because of the comments that were made to me on my return.  She should have been in trouble for what she did. I should have made a phone call but you know, I was vulnerable and didn't want to make waves.

The day before my surgery, Bea came up to tell me that her favorite bumper sticker was save the ta ta's.  I think I wanted to cry right then and there.  How vulgar.  Thanks for your sensitivity.  

Bea was good friends with the mentor.  The mentor brought Bea into our lives, lucky us.  When he left, she tried to blame me for the mess that he had left for the last 28 years that he was there.  I seriously thought I was going to get written up. I was scared but someone put her back in her place that one.  That was too far.  

When I finally told someone all the things that Bea did by disclosing my personal health information, Bea was a lot nicer to me and it was shortly before we shut down.  She wasn't nice to me because she cared.  She knew she could have been in serious trouble for what she had done.

She seemed to have a little bit of a problem with me at times and I think some of it stemmed back to my working relationship with Barry and even the mentor.  Barry and myself worked well together and had fun giving the other person grief.  I bickered a lot with the mentor but that was kind of what he liked.  He liked pissing off people and he did a great job with me.  It was all in good fun for awhile.

Bea didn't have people who didn't like her.  They tolerated her because she was unreasonable.  She got caught on the phone telling someone that she had horrible support staff.  Frack was her assistant and she talked to her even though she thought she was stupid but her paralegal wouldn't talk to her for months.  

Bea seemed obsessed with my shoes.  She was more practical in her style and I thought that was fine.  When I stopped wearing my high heel boots and sandals, she noticed and inquired why.  It became a big deal with her. 

When I brought in candy one morning after stopping at the grocery store that morning, Bea would comment on how that's a little too early in the morning for doing something like that.  Ok.  Months later she would do the same and when I would ask why is it ok that you did it and not me, she would get a smile on her face and not say anything.  

She had Irma and Lorna in her office constantly kissing up to her and she would sing their praises.  We would hear the love fest once Bea would enter the building and talk about how much she loved them both.

As long as you kissed up to Bea, you could have your way.  If not?  You can go to hell.  That was her woman empowerment.

I don't know what it was about me where she felt the chance to humiliate me alot. I let the mentor know in my final email how his friend shared my personal health information with people and that was not ok.  I mentioned that to someone and they said they could have been in serious trouble for it.  

I'll always be grateful for Bea sticking up for me because I did feel I was being set up.  I didn't appreciate her giving us both a lecture on how we're wasting their time and how she had high expectations for us.  Well, I did too.  Bea would find out about Betsy when she tried to terrorize one of Bea's favorite attorneys that she had the hots for.  Who was the problem Bea?

When her husband died, I would have sent a condolence card.  Everyone felt like people weren't really supposed to know so I didn't.  It was probably for the best that I didn't.  Corinne told me what happened.  Corinne who hadn't worked there in 12 years knew more than I did.  It was ok if people knew my business but apparently I'm not supposed to know someone's husband had a heart attack.  Ok.

Anytime I hear women empowerment that raises my radar up, not in a good way.  The diva would say that a lot.  We, as women, should empower each other.

How about instead of talking about it?  Let's do something about it?

Case in point - Hillary Clinton and Kamala Harris.

I res my case.