January shouldn't be this hard

I flipped the news off.  Enough.  You want to know but I'm afraid we all know too much. I have no words tonight.

I know I will be the return queen this weekend, or probably tomorrow.  We have a new lifestyle and fitness balance on our credit cards and I thought I'd get a new yoga mat.  I didn't open the box.  I don't know about spending that much money for a mat.  I think I can do better and have it better cushioned for my age and aching back.  

I got one of those LED masks to help make your eyes look less tired.  I've been tired since 1987.  Others were getting masks and I wondered about the eyes.  I was so excited to get it and then bothered when I tried it.  I'm afraid I'd go blind.  Now I feel silly that I got it.  I don't know.  It doesn't seem like a good idea.  I think if I want to spend that money, maybe I can get something done like my nails or a facial.  This just seems like a bad idea after looking after it.

I have an appointment for my eyebrows tomorrow afternoon so I'll try to return the eye mask at Whole Foods.  For some stupid reason, I can't return the mat at Whole Foods either. I have to go to Kohls.  Fine by me.  I'm sure I can find something else.  I'm ok.

The Thinker had asked me if I was having issues with the diva and I told her no. I wasn't aware.  The diva had offered to train the Thinker on the area I work on.  Really?  I laughed when I read the comments.  There was a whole conversation going about an urgent task in my territory.  Anyone can pick that up and I was about to head out to lunch. The diva didn't know what the request wanted and asked others.  Interesting it wasn't me.  She's something else. I told the Thinker she just seems to have an aversion to asking me questions and seems to get testy when I do answer when it's put out there.  I said maybe it's because we're closer in age that ticks her off. I don't know.

It does kind of kill me because I get the forgetfulness. I get the feeling of my memory is failing me as I get older.  I thought maybe she would be someone who would understand me better and she doesn't. The diva is competitive and that makes me sad.  She's been nicer since I cried that day but why does it come to someone crying that makes people say Hey, maybe I shouldn't be an asshole to her?  Sigh.

I think I am actually going through a change in my life.  I am dealing with some sleep issues.  Some hot flashes.  Does it bother me?  No.  It makes me feel better knowing that's what may be the case.

I mean, my whole life rhythm got thrown around because of cancer.  I was put into an early menopause so I really didn't know what stage I was at when the medications and shots were done.

When I started this job, I heard from some of the older women, wait until you get into menopause.  You don't know how hard things can be.

Frack was good for saying stupid shit like that.  She made a comment to me one day about how you don't know how bad it is until you get into menopause.  I let her have it.  I said you don't know how bad it is until you get cancer, take pills that put you in menopause for the next 10 years of your life.  She shut up.  I thought why do women have to be so damn competitive even when it comes to how hard life is?  I don't wish anyone to have cancer and I apologized for saying it, but I told her I have my own hell so I'm good over here.

I'm happy to have a little time off tomorrow afternoon, even if it's to get my eyebrows waxed.

I liked the idea of that eye mask but I worry about eye damage.  Is it safe?  I think, well, nobody looks at me.  I think I look at me.  I would like to smile a little more when I look at me.  That matters.


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