Don't Give Up on Yourself

I think I gave the guys downstairs a good fright if they could hear me on Friday afternoon.

I had just dropped my mom off at the food pantry and when I came home, I laid down for a moment and started sobbing.  I don't think it was some loud hard hysterical cry.  It was a loneliness cry.  It was a feeling so bad about myself cry.  Hopefully I wasn't loud.  It was like I needed to do it but I didn't need to scare the neighborhood.

My one goal this year is to feel better about myself and to kick the ugly comments that have lived in my head rent free for years.  They're not always there but there are days that comments have haunted me and tormented me.  

There's something about me that you would think would be respected by men but it's not.  I have shown respect for myself in some ways but this is a quality that has had me labeled as uptight.  Someone who needs to loosen up.

This was coming from Harold.  There were horrible things said to me about this situation and it's made me feel so bad.  He made suggestions about looking up things on Web MD or maybe practicing this issue with tools.  Maybe my only issue was the tool in front of me who was belittling me and making me feel like I was not woman enough for him because of some things.  This one has haunted me and then to top on a cancer diagnosis that changed other parts of me physically and emotionally has been a challenge.  I have struggled a lot feeling like I'm not good enough for anyone and feeling like why would anyone want me?  I'm damaged.  I'm so horribly damaged. 

No.  None of that's true.  There's nothing wrong with me.  I looked at love in a different lens than Harold did.  He was fixated on some movie moment when it came to this area.  I guess he was more of the uptight one because he had an expectation and I didn't live up to it.  He's an asshole. 

I didn't think of that aspect in some fireworks kind of feeling.  You know things aren't always perfect.  It's awkward and it's about figuring out what works.  What does someone like or what position works.  I imagine maybe some giggling and maybe it's not this movie magic thing but it's nice.  It's nice because this person is your person.  This person makes you smile and this person makes your heart feel full.  Even if the whole process doesn't feel perfect, it's just another excuse to get it right again because you really love this person.  You love their smile.  You love how they check in with you.  You want to make their day better.  You don't think the mechanics.  You think about the feelings.  You think about the warmth.

I was so sad during that time because I accepted that was the love that I deserved.  I was broken and yet I should be so lucky that someone like that would pay attention to me.  I thought if I worked on this aspect and did my research, I could be the person that they would love.  I was crying because I thought that was acceptable and I wasted time.  I say that it's a lesson that I had to learn but sometimes that lesson is hard to take some days.  

I never want to feel that way.  I know that's a lot of what made me feel so bad about myself is having someone tell me that I'm broken.  I hated that I got a label put on me when it wasn't deserved.  It was mean and cruel.

I am lonely.  I wish I had someone to talk to some days.  I wish I did have a relationship with someone nice.  I would be ok with a nice friend.  

I never want to go back to someone talking to me like I'm broken.  Nobody deserves that.  

I think of the few relationships I had and have wondered what would they have been like going through my health challenges?  Um, terrible.

There is something to be said that you can be more alone in a relationship than you can be alone.  

I'm not giving up on feeling better about myself.  It only got worse after that with medical where people throw out comments that are actually not meant to make you feel bad but just kind of adds on if that makes sense.  I understand the context but when you're already feeling kind of meh about yourself, it's like oh great, you two?  Cool.  Sigh.

I'm kind of reluctant too about making appointments.  There were two instances where I had appointments and I was made to feel bad about myself. It was kind of accidental with one. I don't know what is with this person.  I think she's lovely and then wonders why I get teary eyed when she brings it up.  You know.  I can put that appointment out until fall and work on feeling better.

At least I wasn't on a zoom call this time.

To anyone who reads this and may be in a relationship where you're always feeling like you're the failure, you're not.  You deserve better.   If you hesitate about walking away, maybe my story might help you start walking.

Don't give up on yourself.