Talking Interlude

I saw that I had my tests results.  It came in an email.  It doesn't show the test results.  There was a message about the medical professionals needing to review it.  Ok.  Review.  Please.  Now, maybe?

I don't know if I'm ready for an answer.  I don't know if I want to know.  Is it a bad sign that I got a message like that?  Would it be ok if I still got a message like that?  So many questions are running through my mind.

I know.  I'm not a priority and part of me wants to forget I saw that message. I was thinking like two or three weeks.  Too soon.  Not ready, people.

I am feeling so broke lately and one more test to add every year would really be soul crushing for me considering how I feel these days.

I think it would be nice if I had that person that I could talk to today.  Maybe he would come over and talk to me.  Maybe I could go see him.  

He might be someone who is an engineer or a teacher.  Maybe a science teacher and can explain some of this stuff to me.  I struggled with science but I'm fascinated by it.  I just want to talk and not get judged because I admit that I'm so tired of life breaking my heart and I'm so scared that it's going to happen again.  He might put his hand on my shoulder while I talk about my fears and worries.  I don't get lectured.  I don't get blamed for anything.  I just know that he's listening and I can feel it with his eyes on while I go into this anxious spiral and maybe wipe a few tears away.

Probably at some point, he puts his arms around me for a hug while I talk and then I stop talking.  Then my shoulders relax and then I just let this person make me feel better with this hug.  I know that no matter what the result is, that I have a friend that has my back and will let me talk like this.  I have someone who will let the wild rambling go on and understand that there isn't anything wrong with me.  This is how I react to a moment that's scary and just sits with me in comfort.

I'm ok, but tonight is a night that I wish someone was there next to me. 


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