I Don't Count

Have I said that lately?  I. DON'T. COUNT.  There.  I said it again.  Sometimes I need a reminder and I guess I got mine.

I'm never saying anything again.  Yeah, let them steam roll me. Let them make me feel bad.  

The hell of it is, I'm not doing anything wrong but I've been spied on and stepped on.  I've had them report my mistakes when news flash - I can tell you my mistakes!  Duh!

I got a feeling a shades of Betsy thing happened.  Betsy was good at playing the sad mom who was overwhelmed all the time.  That card was played with me all the time.

I don't mean to speak badly about anyone being overwhelmed as a working mom.  I don't think it should be used as a weapon against me to make me feel like the bad person.  

It's always the same.  You're not a mom.  You don't know what it's like.  No, I don't.  Thanks to Regina, who makes more work for me half the time, she helped put a black mark on my record.  She's not sorry about it and she thinks I'm a fucking joke.  So does the person who talked to me today. They probably think I'm too harsh and not understanding.  Yeah. I'm a horrible person.

I knew the lurker reported me for something because I received a message about something I did. I thought how did you know that happened?  I didn't see any record of anything mentioning it.  That's ok if someone reports me?  Why were they spying on me? 

Well have the days you all deserve.

It's funny the lurker was actually the nicer one today.  I'll be looking up at the ceiling during our weekly call tomorrow.  It's going to be a long time before I look at Regina or even the person I talked to today.  

If I acted the way that they did and used having an illness as a reason to lash out at people, I'd be in so much trouble.  I did get into trouble for being quiet during my treatment.  Unreal.  I got told us I was too inward and too much in a shell.  

I disagree and screw the person who told me that.  I showed up, got my stuff done, went out the door, came back again the next day.  It's not like I didn't say hello to anything. I wanted to get my stuff done before I had to leave early.

In these situations, I don't count and when I speak up, I get retaliated against or I wind up feeling humiliated.  So I'm just going to never say a word again.

I. DON'T. COUNT.  

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