A Mercury in Retrograde Kind of Week

 It just seems like everyone is off in moods.  At least I am.  I overslept yesterday but at least I don't have to get in a car and drive.  My sleep has been terrible because I've just been upset with some people and how they treat me.  It's nothing new, but the last few weeks have been tough to pretend it doesn't bother me.  

I managed to make yesterday a productive day.  I was worried I was going to get talked to about one situation where I took over and somehow things got dropped.  It wasn't my fault.  Circumstances happened and when you're not supported by people, there's only so much I can do.  I figured I was going to get blamed and hopefully I don't.  I don't think I can take one more hit.  It isn't fair.  You can drown someone and then start nitpicking.  That's how I've felt the last few months, maybe all year.  

Yesterday, something hit me and I looked at my chat with the Thinker from last week.  Maybe it's the detective in me but there was something that might have made me wonder if they were the ones who went to a higher up and discussed our group's dynamics.  I knew they were at their wit's end between the lurker and Regina.  I found some of it pretty appalling when they shared it with me.  I know they shared it with the same person I did. I think they just escalated it. I was gone for a few days so maybe something happened.  In a way, I would prefer it was the Thinker over the Diva.  The Diva is silly and spoiled where the Thinker is more logical in their reasoning.  I got a feeling the Thinker will move on.  I also wonder if something will change because of what has happened.

I just don't want to get talked to like I'm stupid all the time.  Too much to ask?  Apparently.  I'm tired of the nitpicking I've gotten from Regina in particular when I have never received any help and gotten ignored when I asked.  When I've mentioned something incorrectly, I don't get corrected by her kindly.  I noticed the diva was taking over Regina's area while she's out for a few days.  Fine by me.  Mean girls.

My ex from college wrote a book.  Yes, I looked at his Facebook page recently and I noticed he was holding up a book about retirement.  I think he's some type of financial planner.  I looked up the reviews online on Amazon and I was surprised when I saw people complimenting him on being thoughtful with his stories.  I was impressed.

I thought about downloading his book because it's free.  People mentioned how he was taking care of his disabled brother and went through a difficult divorce and had to rethink his financial goals.  People were really complimentary of his book.

I was happy to read the reviews.  I was happy to see that he evolved into a more thoughtful person.

Would I ever want to talk to him again?  No.  I'm good.  

I don't hate him.  We were kids and people do stupid stuff.  He did more stupid stuff than I did.  The reason I have no interest in talking to him again is because I think he would still judge me and how I've handled my life.  Just when you think things were ok with him, he winds up saying something condescending.  It's like there's this chip in his brain that prompted him to say some of the things he did.  

I was working at Kohl's and he showed up at my house one day and talked to my mom.  My mom told him I would be home soon but he didn't seem to pay attention.  He was talking about his life and he didn't know what he wanted to do once he graduated which was coming up in a couple of months.  My dad came home at the time and was like What the F?  He didn't like him because of the cheating.  Even though I forgave him, my dad never did.

Then he got to me and said some people aren't cut out for college.  He said I wasn't cut out for college and I should have called him up and told him to go to hell.  I didn't. I took it at the time.  It wasn't the first time I heard him say that.  At least this time I wasn't there when he said it.  He actually left before I got home.  

Maybe I didn't get a career that I wanted, but I also don't regret going to college either and that was such a horrible thing to say about me.  I struggled in school the first year and a half but I found my stride and did graduate.  The comments about my intelligence were really heart breaking. I struggled so much in school and as a kid, it was recommended that I should go into the learning disability classes.  

I need understanding and not judgment from people.  Maybe I don't always grasp things and may be the most intelligent person, but that doesn't make me less of a person.  I would never belittle anyone that made a mistake in the way that I've been treated.  Yeah.  I've been called retarded so when someone talks down to me like Regina or college ex did, it just sets me off.  

I think of Kevin Kline in A Fish called Wanda yelling, "Don't call me stupid!"  Well, I understand how he feels.  Being made to feel stupid has been a recurring theme for me, I'm afraid.  

I'm going to go start with my ShopKicking day and maybe get some stamps.  I hope the good humans have a good day.