Well I'm the Failure

No conspiracy theories.  I was right that something was coming my way and my own doing.  That's what I sensed.

My heart dropped when I saw a message about "talking" and the subject.  Sigh.  I had gone for my walk early and I replied of course.  I had to wait for a couple of hours and it was a painful two hours.  I thought I can't take this and I did suspect the lurker found a mistake of mine.  No, not at all.  It came out on a day off.  The vaper fixed the mistake.

I didn't hide my tears or the stress on my face.  I apologized and I said I still carry the bigger mistake.  I got reassurances and the whole thoughts and prayers kind of thing.  I am aware and I thought I'm drowning and I'm going to keep drowning and this is going to keep happening.

The vaper is probably mad that she had to do something.  Not my idea of a good time either.  

We're all supposed to help and support each other.  It just never happens for me.  Nobody supports me.  Nobody picks me up.  I pick myself up.  I'm the one that has to watch out for me.  I'll watch out for others and what I get is a middle finger.

I can't stop crying tonight.  I feel so awful and tired.  I have no support from others.  It's never going to happen.  It's just keep stepping on me until I'm finished.

I just feel awful right now.  

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