The Over Thinker

 I think that would be my super hero name.  Or my alias.  

Sigh.  I do overthink.  I have also been blindsided when it comes to trusting people that I will overthink and wonder what is their angle?

I had been suspect of the lurker and I think for the moment, I'm in over thinker land.  

For a couple of years, there were things that would happen that made me question what was happening.  I blew up and said my peace. I didn't blow up. I said I had enough.  I also wondered if I was believed.  There were always "this person asked me if they could check on something you did."   Well I was here all day everyday, so why wasn't I asked?  It was things like that.

Other people got to experience what I did.  It was pretty bad.  I wondered how did this person last?  This is kind of a subtle form of harassment.  I suspect that there were efforts for this person to make things better and when you think maybe I misjudged this person, you find something.  Then the distrust kicks in.

Today the one who caused me so much trouble received some praise today for a big meeting we had.  They did a nice job and they were offering tips on how to handle something like this when it's their turn.  

I didn't say anything and I thought this makes me look so petty.  I also think this person does get a lot of praise.  I do think that they know how to get attention and why do my words matter?  I'm not valued by this individual so I don't think my words were missed.  Did they do a nice job?  Yeah, they did.  I was impressed.  I just wished that their people skills were better.  I wished that they didn't rely on stepping on others to get ahead.  I don't think you have to be that person and it disappoints me that time after time they were that person.  I think they still are.

I am still nursing my own wounds from my mistake.  No I Spy situation.  Nothing suspect about it after I took a closer look.  It wouldn't shock me if someone pointed another person in the direction but that wasn't the case in this situation.  I sent a message to the vaper and apologized.  They're not in today and half the time, I don't get a response.  I wonder why now after the Thinker pointed out the smoke.  

I found out that someone in Irma's group will be moving on and there's no way in hell would I even think of showing interest.  I'll take my chances with the lurker spying.

That disappoints me about the lurker. I was really impressed with what they talked about today. I would have liked to have learned more from this person.  I know there's an expectation that I should trust and be more open, but that's not happening here.  How many times do I have to find something that takes an indirect insult at me and say Oh, it's ok.  I trust them.  NO!  

I can be pleasant to someone that's wronged me.  Frick would be Exhibit A.  I really don't want to spend time with Frick or go out of my way.  Sometimes I am a little happy to hear from her and take a break from my day.  When it was everyday it was a lot.  Once every few months is ok.  We're just not going to be the same like we did when we were both at our lowest.  I cared what happened to her after her dad died.  She used my illness to get a free lunch and to get accolades on her review.

Sincerity.  When you're sincere, I'm there for you.  When you play games, you win stupid prizes like silence.  

I just want to be in my cocoon of silence and not be bothered by people tomorrow.  I have a feeling I'm going to get asked if I'm ok.

NO.  It's ok because it'll pass.  If you keep asking I'm going to give a different response.  Well no.  That might get me into trouble but you get the point.