To the Ones Who said You're Not a Mom, you wouldn't understand

I have a message.  We could have been friends.  You all blew it.

You're right. I don't know what it's like.

I know a few things.  

I understand boundaries.  I have a mom.  I have a sister.  They're moms.  I have a niece who is a mom.  I have only been an observer.  Not a participant.  I've never given advice.  I've tried to provide comfort or words of kindness when a frustration has kicked in when a mom has been frustrated.

I felt funny when Charlotte ran up to me at the zoo and wanted to be my bestie for the day.  I asked my sister if it was ok that she was glued to my hands.  She said it's giving my niece a break.  I was worried that I would lose Charlotte's grip on my hand.  This isn't my kid.  She's my great niece and I don't want her mom mad at me.  I wanted to be respectful of her mom.  Little did I realize it was a great relief Charlotte had a new play friend.  An old play friend but still.  I was the break that my niece and her husband needed.

Maybe I can't share a story of my own child but I can tell you a story to make you laugh when you're frustrated with your kids.  I know how to listen and I know how to listen with empathy.  Nothing helps with a sandwich or a nice drink from Starbucks.  Maybe you can have a good laugh that my socks aren't matching or that I have cat hair all over my sweatshirt.

I could have been someone that sat with you at a school concert and snickered at the helicopter moms or attended a basketball game.  I mean, what am I doing?  Watching Million Dollar Listing with my mom?  

But no, you got to take your unhappiness and take a shot at me in the vulnerable spot and say those words.  You're not a mom.  You wouldn't understand.

I spent a few years covering for Frick when time after time it was kid related excuses for the most part.  I think she was lying most of the time but I knew where the conversation was going to go.  She's not a mom.  What does she know? 

I know that a lot of moms show up to work at least 90% of the year. I know that I have told co-workers to go home and not worry about their work when they worried about their kid being sick.  Betsy's baby was having trouble breathing when she first started and I told her to get the hell out and go take that baby to a doctor.  We'll welcome you back happily but please don't feel bad.  

When my friend Mo was pregnant with her daughter, she was worried because someone she worked with had meningitis was around her and people were scaring her about her baby being sick, I asked her if her doctor could answer her questions.  She called and got the reassurance she needed.  I had someone turn to me and say, What do you know about children?  Nothing.  It seemed to make sense to me.  It was just mean that someone said that.

It's been such a cold cut to go there as though it was an entitlement for cruelty.  It's come out of left field as a go to mark to hit me.

Do you know my life?  Do you know what I wanted in life?  Maybe you feel sad because you're overwhelmed with having kids.  Maybe I've overwhelmed with loneliness.  Maybe we're not different with our life struggles but I've never went there with any mom.  I think there's maybe a good reason that I'm not a mom.  

It's not ok to hurt each other like that. 

There's a special place in hell for anyone who says that not having kids is probably what led to cancer.

To those who have said that you're not a mom, you wouldn't understand?  You wouldn't understand the hurt you've put me through.  

We could have been friends but glad we're not.