Feeling Not so great

The humidity is crushing me.  I feel it in my legs.  Yes, I know if I lost weight it would help and I'm working on that.  Yesterday, it was the left.  Today it's the right leg.  Felt good to take a hot bath last night.

I feel out of sorts this weekend.  Wish I knew why.

One of our new landlords was here this weekend working in the yard and working on things around the duplex.  Sweet kid.  Doesn't look older than 30, I'm not good at age and his partner is out of town.  I was a little disappointed when I heard their intention is to initially live here but after that . . . I'm not sure what their future plans are, but I think it made me feel a little sad to hear that.  I'm going to guess maybe the intent is to have this as income property and they can move onto a home of their own.  I don't blame them.  It sounds like something that's a good idea.  I think our previous landlord wanted to do that.  He just didn't want to do anything.

I got asked about a lot of things, like the toilet and the balcony.  Balcony, eh, only used for rugs.  The toilet fixed?  That would be wonderful.  I tried to soften my tone towards the previous landlord.  Not so much for the monster.  Our new landlord thought it was weird the monster was so fascinated by having lights off.  Yeah.  Me too.  

We received a lovely jar of jam and a sweet card.  I'm not ready to think about the future.  I think too much about it and I get depressed.  I'd rather unpack what I had to pack up the last month or so and try to find places for all that's mine or take some things to Goodwill.

I worry with my mom's eyesight and hearing. I worry about my money situation. I just worry.  I just worry I won't have a home so I guess it scared me when new landlord talked about initially living downstairs.  What are the plans?  I'm not ready for that.  I just want peace.  

We are in a world upside down now with this administration. I just feel like I'm grieving life more than ever the last 3 months.  

I had a small win with the scale today. I need to keep it going down.  I'm hoping I can get out more this week.  No rain this week please.  

I was too warm when we tried to leave today.  We didn't realize the landlord was capable of shutting power off in the downstairs unit.  We found out later.  I thought maybe it had something to do with the switches on the circuit breakers but nope.  It wasn't that.  I sent a text to his number and I thought maybe he had to go to work, not sure what he does.  He came back later and explained what it was and apologized.  It was fine with us.  I said tomorrow is a new day.  I didn't realize until he sent me a text with his name that I sent the first text to the wrong number by one digit.  Damn it.

I didn't want to go outside because I would have to take my sweatshirt off and I just felt self conscious.  I hate this.  I feel like this extra weight is some extra grief that I've been carrying around with me.  GET OUT!  Gawd.  I can't stand it.  I haven't been bad with sweets.  I could be better, but it's a big improvement over the previous few weeks.

I can't compare to my mom having vision problems to what happened to me.  I kind of get it.  I get depressed that my body got damaged by cancer and I don't think people realize that it's not a superficial thing to say that.  It isn't that I want to wear a two piece bikini, I hate what it did to me.  I know how to disguise it but I feel like I want to throw a big heavy costume over me.  I'm not going to describe it, but it's a horror show to me and someone might say it's not so bad.  It's scars.  It's easy to say go get reconstructive surgery.  Well that's a pretty serious surgery and the recovery is tough.  I don't have anyone to take care of me.  My mom couldn't take care of me.

People always run from my life.  Yeah.  I'm going to say it.  I feel like I just should hide out for the rest of my life because nobody wants to deal with it.  

I know.  Dramatic much?  Yeah.  I'm just kind of on my own when it comes to that stuff.  Too many emotional lightweights.

I did go to Neroli for maybe the last time. I say that and I wind up back there out of desperation. I asked the person about retin-a and told her what happened when I used it.  She went on and on about the marvels of retin-a and she said something about my skin being too sensitive.

Sigh.  You're selling me something but then you mention my skin is too sensitive?  I was curious to hear her answer but as usual, I hear a sales pitch.  She then lectured me about the SPF

Um, she would have seen more of the SPF if I didn't remember to blend.  First up, up until Covid that was part of my skincare routine, even on walks so buzz off lady at Neroli. I got sloppy working at home and it was like oh wait? I should be putting something on.  I do now so bite me.

My mom is talking to my cousin about Trump and how it feels like a nightmare.  She's right.  It's all so surreal and I crave normalcy and peace.  

That seems too much.  

Oh well.  Maybe I'll feel like going outside tomorrow.  

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