Ferris Bueller Afternoon Off

I wish my hair cut didn't get cancelled but it's ok.  I'll get it next week.  I just couldn't say Oh, I'll just go back to work. I wasn't feeling ok.  Having an afternoon was a remedy I needed.

I have had the brain zaps from going off something I despised.  I didn't feel this way initially but I think it wore off it's welcome and I was happy to end it.  I wasn't happy that I got the brain zaps with it.  Geezus.  I did go off of it cold turkey 20 some years ago when it got implied that I was a weakling for giving into doctors.  Yeah, a reminder not to listen to people and their know it all advice.  I was hoping tapering off would prevent that but I've had a few days where I feel like I get these little shocks and it's making me tired.  It seems better today.  I maybe had one moment but I know it can go on for a few days, even weeks.  I know, I know.  If I started something new, maybe I wouldn't have this.  I've spent the last 10 years taking something for one ailment or another.  Can I at least have a couple of months, maybe three where I take a break?  Please universe?  

I took my mom to Dollar Tree so she could stock up on our household stuff after I signed off.  I know she's going to get stressed between the inspector coming here to look at our place plus the our new landlords.  Supposedly our present landlord will be here.  My sister and brother in-law will be in the Milwaukee area by Saturday.  Anything for mom and to help with her stress.  

I took off after that to do my Shopkick and go for a walk.  It wasn't so great when I got over to the east side to do my walk.  The humidity sucked.  I didn't walk the hill but I got exercise and I got a Starbucks. I earned that stone cold drink, damn it.

I was feeling angry about the diva and my friendships with women in general.  Every single time I think maybe I can share a bit of information, they seem ok, it winds up biting me in the ass.  I spent so many hours working with the diva and talking about things that happened with co-workers in the past not just the present ones and she seemed so horrified.  Then she would tell me things she would say to higher ups about me and that bothered me like I didn't say that, or that's not what I meant. I thought maybe she was an advocate.  I could tell that she had higher ambitions when she would interact with others.  I think I'm just someone she will step on repeatedly.  I regret telling her anything about me.  

It's incredibly hurtful when women like the diva have done that behavior.  I want to trust people and then I have an incident where I feel like I'm getting gas lit that I did something wrong and that they're the innocent party.  

I don't mind being alone but I hate why.  I hate that it's because I don't trust people because they've just burned me beyond all repair.  I hate that it could affect me if there's a really potentially good person who wants a friendship with me.  I hate that it could affect a relationship that could be someone who wants to love me.  I'm pretty damaged.  Could we please stop doing more damage to me? Please?

I know I'm not alone.  I know I have family that aren't here and a friend that's a few hours away.  It would be nice if there was at least one more person close by that I could have a friendship with.  No, I never expected much out of the diva. I kind of thought she harmless.  A pain.  A diva. I thought Oh, we're going to start putting our foot and stomping on me.  I get it.

I'm a loyal person.  I'll stick up for people.  It would have nice if they wouldn't stick a knife in me.  

I'm just feeling done.

Well, good humans I hope your days are better.  I hope I can find some good in my day.  

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