Memories of a Soul Crusher

I am not ready for warmer weather.  I know I won't lose 20 pounds before summer.  I am not ready for warmer clothes now.  I feel so funny and yet I didn't wear my John Fetterman hoodie when we went to the store tonight. I was dressed like a burglar in all black.  Much better.  Not.  

I had gotten the shirts I ordered from Penneys and they're actually nice.  The fabric seems to have this sweat protectant feel.  I can't think of the word but I put the black one on because it seemed way cooler.  I realized I was a little too matchy matchy with my black capri pants.  Sweats but they seem more jauntier, I guess.

I thought of my Aunt Julie today and how she played us regarding my dad's headstone.  She was the person who told me off as a kid.  I was so excited to have Aunt Julie return after her first visit.  She was such fun and my mom's side of the family was more reserved.  It was the second visit that didn't go so well. She seemed to want to spend more time with my sister which made me feel sad.  When it came to me, she ignored me until the end and then went off on me about how all I ever do was eat.  Like do you know how much I eat?  I was maybe 10 or 11 at the time and it was so soul crushing at the time.  Her and my dad didn't get along on that second trip and he had a talk with her about how she talked to me.  He didn't go see his family until a few years before he died.  

When I came to visit Julie, I still thought of what she said to me and I figured I just do as she say.  It was ok for the most part and she would maybe snap at me once in awhile.  I ignored it because I thought well, she's older.  It was just uncomfortable.  I didn't dare eat too much even though my aunt was a lot heavier.  I figured if I did it, she would say something.

I did have to say something when I got home and my sister and mom were upset about my dad's headstone.  I sent an email and had to say something about it.  I got a rather curt response at the time.  I felt guilty about saying anything because she invited me to her home and I'm telling her that she did us wrong.

Well she did us wrong.  I'm not distraught that I know found my dad's headstone after all of these things. I think she just sucked for what she did and how she treated us.  


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