Five Stages of Fear - Sadness, Sadness, you get the point

 Now it's kind of moved onto acceptance.

I struggled yesterday with crying but by afternoon I moved onto the acceptance stage.  I kind of moved onto the well, I'll probably have to have another biopsy.  If there's something there, then maybe it'll be another lumpectomy and I can schedule it for when my sister and brother in-law are here.  Not that it sounds like a great time but at least I don't have to worry about being a burden to others.

Now I'm just sad.  

I was able to pay a little extra on my debt this last month and felt good.  I have paid off 11.21% of my debt.  Now I know I'll at least be paying $1200 for my deductible plus more to come.  I know they take payments but still.

There's the issue of whether my landlord wants to sell this duplex.  What will happen then?  You know he has no idea of how hard life can be.  Maybe it would be a good thing.  I don't know.

I had told Corinne about what happened with Cassie and how she faded away and I wasn't even really sure if we were true friends.  She understood and admitted she felt Cassie was standoffish at times.  Nice but standoffish.  That was a perfect assessment.  I am confused by my friendship with Cassie and if it was really one at all or just something she felt obligated to do.  I was bothered how she told me that she talked to the mentor we worked with and they went over how hard life will be for me when it first happened.  I don't know why that bothered me at the time.  Still don't.  It's kind of a no kidding on life is hard.  It wasn't easy to begin with.  Duh.  It was like I was poor sad soul that they threw their little words of wisdom and kept me at a distance.  

I fucking hate how I got treated by them.  It was very symbolic of how I felt at the mentor's going away party.  I sat in the corner and nobody talked to me.  When I left, all of a sudden, I got people's attention, like where you are going?  Like nobody notices you until you're dead.  I'm so glad I'm not around that crap anymore.

At least I can sit with Precious and snuggle her if I need comfort.  I had to suppress my emotions or I would get this look about me being too sensitive or talked down to while they ask me for money for someone's mom dying.  Sigh.  

I did feel better in the afternoon after we had our weekly meeting.  I felt a little more like joking around and getting things done felt productive.  My mind was a mess in the morning but by afternoon I felt ok.  I felt like it'll be ok.

Now I'm on the numb part and acceptance.

The thing that hit home for me with Kamala was when she told someone that people shouldn't have to just get by.  They should be able to get a little ahead and take a trip or not worry about buying Christmas presents.

I didn't need a trip.  I just wanted to get a little ahead.  That's all.  Was that too much to ask? 

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