Interlude in Anger

When I get my monthly anti-depressant at the pharmacy, I am relieved it's not the lady with the purple hair.  Her hair is streaked.  That seems to be a theme at this Wal-Mart.  When she refilled the anti-anxiety med, she was a little rude to me and seems to act like funny when I get the anti-depressant.

I am so tired of that from people.  Does anyone want to be depressed?  Why do people make me feel bad or anyone else who has openly admitted that?  Are people's lives that perfect?  Am I missing something?

It seems like the tone changes if I say yeah, I take something.  It's like step away from the crazy person.  Or make sure you talk softly.  Or say I'll be there for you and it's really just bullshit talk.  

I avoided the thought of an anti-depressant for a long time. The truth was, I was depressed as a kid.  I was bullied and sad and just didn't want to go to school.  I just struggled.  When something bad happened like a friend dumping me or a boyfriend, I just wanted to be left alone.  I wanted to go into my own world and shut everyone out. I wasn't screaming obscenities at people and to be honest?  Some of them had it coming.  And another honest bomb?  With the way things are in the world, I don't blame people who have breakdowns like that.  It's a tough world we live in.

I didn't get help until someone was going to get me fired. I couldn't sleep.  I couldn't eat.  Someone was out to get me and I got put on a 30 day warning.  They were going to take action against me.  I had gotten a mid-year review that just horrified me.  I was working at an insurance broker and I did a lot of the typing assignments.  I was kind of an admin of all trades.  Well the manager who took over my group thought I should be put in the mailroom.  The guy that ran the mailroom was very odd and I found out later that he had been fired from his previous job for sexual harassment.  

When I had gotten the review, I had told some of my friends at lunch and made sure nobody was at my desk when they came by.  I told people I couldn't talk and then told them later what had happened.  A friend of mine told me that this guy's friend had sent emails about her to our manager and she knew because the dumb idiot left her email open.

This guy had an intern so he told me that I would need to take lunch at 1:00 pm because he had diabetes and he had to eat at certain times.  He had his emails open.  I found all the lies he told about me and printed them up.  I put them in my purse and took them home.  He was stabbing me in the back and I didn't know it.

I was scared to death I was going to lose my job. I saw the doctor I had at the time and she put me on an anti-depressant. I showed her what had happened with the review and told her what this man was doing to me. I just couldn't cope anymore.  I didn't want to wake up in the morning and face this person.  I needed my job.  I was scared I was going to be on the street because someone lied about me. 

I had a couple of angels who went to an old manager and wanted to help me with the situation.  They were going to move me to a different group but at the time I needed it, this job came along.  I was on the anti-depressant for maybe like a year and the weight gain became too much.  I was feeling ok about the job that I had and I thought maybe it was just a really bad moment in time.

I had moments where I needed to have something.  Honestly, I would like to be off of them.  I am feeling frustrated by the one that I take now.  It seems to be ok the first year or so.  Last time I didn't feel so great.  I don't feel depressed but I think I am having some vertigo issues.  I don't know.   I keep my appointments for crying out loud.  I'm not an idiot and I absolutely hate that I've been made to feel like one.  

The next time anyone judges me, I wish they'd ask themselves, what have I gone through?  Maybe there's a good reason that she takes an anti-depressant.  Maybe I should talk to her like a human being instead of a child.  Maybe she'd had trauma and needs a kind word or needs to hear something funny to make her laugh.  Maybe I can use my indoor voice instead of whispering.

I hate that I get judged for it.  It's not fair.  I think if you're judging me, is your life so great?

I'm having a moment. Ugh.  If you met the guy downstairs, you'd need drugs too.