Patience for Thee but Not for me

My mom said to me that I should get a decent raise and commented on how patient I have been with the person that's been learning about their new world.  She said you don't talk down to anyone.  You're calm and you take things step by step.  She was listening to me while I talked to the person in a different part of the country.  I said I know how scary it is and this is something I haven't done in a long time.  Cassie was the last person and that was well over 15 years ago?  

I know what it's like to be the new kid. I know what it's like when people have this expectation to learn something new in like 5 minutes. I don't do well with impatient people.  There's a reason why I have anxiety and probably many other disorders.

My step-dad was impatient.  He taught me how to drive but it was constant nagging on me and when we pulled over to park, he asked me if I wanted ice cream.  I had been badgered so badly I burst into tears and said I want to go home.  I loved my dad but damn.  It was like sit down and get off my back.  I hated driving him anywhere.  He was giving me directions on how I could have made that turn and I finally pulled over, got out of the car and said, You drive.

I had teachers like that and it just made me want to crawl under a rock when I would get yelled at.  I would avoid school if I could. I would feel like my world was going to end when I felt pressured.  

Lois was awful with patience.  She would hover over me and send me like 7 requests at 1:30 to get settlement checks before the 3:00 pm pick up.  She always waited until the last second.  She would hang up on me as I was finishing a sentence.  I was glad she didn't sit by me and I was so thankful or she would hear me pounding my receiver on my desk in frustration after a conversation with her.

I quit the flute in 9th grade because I had my music teacher that would berate me when I made a mistake.  I would have stayed with the flute if I didn't have this teacher.  I couldn't stand how he talked to me and I had enough.  When my dad called and told the teacher why I was quitting, he was actually nice to me in our last lesson.  Where the hell was that person all along?  I was second chair in the advanced group.  I wasn't a slacker.  I skipped summer school for band and I practiced every day to get second chair.  The first chair person had private lessons so I don't think I was that pathetic.  

Good old Chloris used to come out yelling to the women I replaced about how stupid I was and would rant and rave over my questions. I stopped talking for a long time. I would say Hi and Bye for a long time.  I just kept to myself and tried to figure things out on my own.  I had a day where I fought back tears and I didn't want him to see me cry.  Zero patience.  

My first job out of college was working for a law firm and I got assigned to the angriest adjuster who would call up and swear about things not getting done.  It was a relief when I got reassigned. 

I just shut down when a medical person berated me and yelled at me about a question I asked. I never went back.  I just hung my head down and nodded while they lectured me.   Kind of scared me to see medical people after that.  I sort of worry about someone getting mad at me.

Then there was the one who lost patience about my experience and made some awful suggestions.  When my feelings got hurt, I was subjected to rage about their life.  

It really makes you feel like so horrible when people do that.  I've been subjected to people's impatience and anger and it's awful. I never want anyone to feel like I've had.  

So I understand what it's like to be nervous and unsure.  I know how important it is for someone to feel reassured and to feel secure.  I want them to understand that they can ask me anything.  I may be an introvert and want to be left alone, but I don't want someone to feel afraid or worried about something if I can help them.

Do you know how much it would mean for a person to have patience with me?  The world.  

At least I got meds for it.