Feeling Protected

It's been an ok day.  I got my steps in and hopefully some more.  The monster and his girlfriend left for awhile today.  Hopefully they were at their new place.  When I came home, the door was unlocked.  I thought that's funny.  He's going to get the doors locked on him soon if he doesn't get out so keep leaving that side door unlocked.

I'm making Precious avoid me because of my stupid worry.  I gave her moist food and sprinkled some treats.  She was fine. I gave her some new dry food and I'm not sure if she touched it.  I thought leave her be and she'll be fine.  She's a fickle cat and she snuggled up besides me when I picked her up and sat her down next to me on the couch.  She likes to sit on the couch and look regal while I pet her and she purrs.  She's not supposed to get old. Didn't she know that?

I was going to avoid the Pick n' Save that I went to yesterday with the grumpy woman who thought I was shoplifting kitty litter. I thought get over it.  She's a jerk and this store is the closest.  Don't let someone bully you.  I didn't see her when I walked in and I just needed to find a few items. Corinne wanted to know the price of eggs here.  They have some dealer where they live where they can get it for $2.99.  I can take or leave eggs so I'm not hurting and neither is my mom.  It was 5.99.  Wow.

I had a few cans of moist cat food and a two liter of Diet A&W for my mom.  The total was $5.42 but there was something for $5.00 that I could redeem which I did and well it's a good day when your total is .42. I thought why?  

I checked my email and I got a response from corporate apologizing for what happened and added $5.00 to my shopper card.  They encouraged me to reach out to the store manager.  I'm not sure if anything will get said but I thought I'm ok.  I feel better getting $5.00 off for today's trip.  The point of me saying anything is that it wasn't ok and this woman has been unpleasant.  The store manager is also known for not listening to complaints either.  I was glad that corporate heard me.  I did see the woman fixing bags as I walked past.  I don't know if she saw me and I don't care.  I'm sure I'll be back again this week.  Deal with it, lady.  It was just insulting what happened.

I had started watching the movie "If" that was directed by John Krasinski. I only saw the first half hour and I thought I'll watch later.  He's kind of a sweet dad in the movie.

I had one protective dad and one who was willing to let child services take me away from my mom.  The protective dad didn't protect as much as I would have liked.  He left us kids alone while he sat at the bar. There's so much more and sometimes I feel sad that there wasn't this feeling of someone watching out for me at times.  When I pulled into my parking spot and I thought about the some of the things that had happened, I burst into tears. 

Is it bad that I don't miss my dad?  Either one of them?  My step-dad did a lot of good but I think of what I wished he would have done. I wished we would have been protected more financially.  The money went for him and his drinking habit.  Here we are, living in a duplex dealing with a monster who wouldn't care if we got harmed.  

I mourn a dad I wish I had at times.  There were a lot of good things about my dad, but the alcohol came first, not us. There were a lot of times my mom was at work and we were asleep while he snuck out to a bar at night while she cleaned offices.  We would hear about it later.  I thought about what he said at the baseball game we went to where I teased him that I was going to tell mom about how many beers he had and he said it would be my last baseball game if I did that.  I protected him and never admitted it.  I wish he would have protected me better. 

I'm doing ok.  My life journey is different than others.  Maybe people think it's bad that I'm not as social or want to do as much.  You know, I want to be happy. I want to be around people that are good for me and will watch out for me as I would for them.  I have had a lifetime of not feeling like people had my back or not feeling safe.

I deserved better and I want better.  

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