I'm Not the Embarrassment

I was actually a "secret" when it came to my ill fated online romance with the idiot from San Diego.

I'm not for wanting to share my business openly, I understand that.  I would have understood if that idiot was going through a divorce and maybe wanted to keep things quiet due to legal issues.  No, the only legal issue that was going on with this person was DUIs - that was a secret with me.

It was his friend Alison who called me one night who told me that she never knew about me.  She said that Harold had never talked about me.

There's some truth to that.  He didn't want his parents to know how we met.  In all honesty, I think he was ashamed of me.

I don't expect anyone nor would I want anyone to post pictures of me on their social media accounts.  But, really?  I was the embarrassment?

I finished college.  He didn't.  I had a stable job.  He didn't.  I didn't show up to work drunk.  I maybe wanted to, but I didn't.  I gave him money to help him out.  He gave me a hard time.  How am I the dirty little secret?

Lots of people do meet online.  There was no harm in how we met.  Somehow there was something shameful about me.  

For too many months, I had tortured myself looking at his social media page bragging about his girlfriend the artist.  She drew some strange stuff.  They went to dinners with his friends.  They were the cool hip west coast couples.  

Maybe it was the Midwest thing.  I don't know.  It's offensive to think that I was someone's shame.  Well maybe because he took money from me.  I think because I wasn't some worldly goddess who traveled with the Rolling Stones or had "experience" like he criticized me for that I was "gasp" an embarrassment.  

I never want to be someone's secret shame.  I'm ok with staying private, but when you tell me that you dug in a dumpster for food because you spent your money on booze, don't look at me like I'm the shameful one.

There's nothing shameful about me. I helped someone out that I cared about and thought I had a relationship with at the time.  I was used and throw out in a dumpster. 

At least I don't make weird drawings of big eyeballs for a living.  

Weirdos.  

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